Thoughts, dreams, prayers

One day you will be ours, our chosen child.
God has chosen you for us, we just don't know it yet. You may be just a thought in the wind...not even come to be as of yet. You may be the worry on another woman's mind or the fear in a teenager's heart.

When it's time for our paths to cross, the world will feel like it has stood still. I can't imagine the joy we will feel, like we are the only ones in the whole world that have ever felt such happiness and love...for this I pray, for you I pray.

I wonder what you'll be like, will you be a boy or girl? Will we get to name you? Will we be there to see you born? Will we be able to be sure you are truly ours without doubt, without worry. Will your birth mom feel such gladness and relief that she has chosen us that she sticks with her decision, signs the papers and we can be a forever family, will it be?
Will we ever be this lucky???

I have this wonderful vision in my head and am fearful, what if it doesn't come true!?
I see your Daddy and I walking out of the plane and out to our family(ies)waiting with open arms and hearts with you, our tiny miracle secure in your car seat all dressed nicely in your coming home outfit with your lap covered in a beautiful white blanket. I see the smiles, the tears, the hugs and can feel the love.
You get to be held by and meet everyone. They love you! You are adorable, perfect in every way...
After sharing you with everyone, we are home alone together, Daddy, you and me, we just lay next to you and watch you, take all of you in. Afraid if we were to close our eyes you won't be there when we open them. I want to be reminded you are there, by comforting your cries during the night, feeding and cuddling with you. You are ours and home with us where you are meant to be. The start to our little family...

This is the dream that fills my mind and heart and with every ounce of who I am I pray my heart out to GOD each and every day over and over again that this dream will come true. That we will be blessed with a miracle.

Please GOD hear our prayers!

Feelings...

Today as I watch adoption videos online, I cry. I feel so many feelings, happiness and joy for all the families who have gotten their miracles. And, such sadness that we can't choose when and how to have a child, we can't have a child on our own, anger that we have no control over our own destiny.
I believe GOD has a plan and that is what keeps me strong.
I pray one day, we can be a happy family that welcomed a miracle into our lives.

Blessed Peace
The greatest peace
I've ever known
I found in troubled times
For when I put my trust in God
He eased my troubled mind.

-Dolores Karides

Miscarriage and Infant Loss Remeberance Day

Is tomorrow (October 15th). If everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it lit for 1 hr...there will be a continuous wave of light over the world...that our angels can all see when looking down from heaven.

Just got monthly update from Facilitator

I emailed her last night to do a "check in" as yest. put us at the one mos. mark waiting.
She just responded that it has been slow, slower then usual (not usually this slow till around Thanksgiving). They have done 2 placements this mos. One was AA and one Hispanic. They have one more they are working with currently.
Bummer!
I don't know what I expected to hear, but unfortunately this wasn't it.
I have such hope and I am so afraid to start getting sad and discouraged with each passing month like while ttc. It just hit me hard and I broke down and cried.
I pray I can keep up the strength to stay hopeful and strong as we continue to wait.
Pleas GOD help us to be strong! And help our situation come along soon. Please GOD!

Adoptive nursing

I know this can be a controversial topic and I'll admit when I first read about it I though come on, why would you want/need to breast feed an adopted baby.

So, over the past few months the thought has been in my mind and I have kept thinking about it.
I personally am not keen on the idea of b.feeding in general, I know it is wonderful for a baby, but I just don't feel it is for me.
While ttc I had thought about b.feeding and had decided I "might" try it, but I would have been more willing to pump. I am big on bottles and both parents feeding baby and by pumping baby would still be getting the benefits of BM.

Well, I am now thinking I'd like to try and induce lactation so I can pump BM for our future adopted baby. I know this sounds strange to some, so let me explain...

I feel nutritionally it would be a great benefit for baby and also a selfish reason for me would be the fact that I feel I have no hand in creating our baby. I feel like that part of me was taken away, but maybe, just maybe I can create the milk baby would need. That thought makes me feel really good...I could fill baby with my milk, part of me, nutrition to grow from me...I may not have been able to create our little baby, but I can try and create milk to help he/she be who they will be all by using/taking a small, but very beneficial part of me.

I would be interested in exclusively pumping and storing BM and no problem with also using formula too. I am not going to go BM crazy and only want baby to nurse or only take BM.
I just want to see if maybe I can be successful in producing something so important for a little one. And if I am successful in my trial I hope to be able to pump and store many precious ounces for our future baby.

I have been researching this subject and finding both positive and negative. Not too much info out there, but I know it can be done. It takes a lot of determination and darn it, I got that.

Basically what I am finding is that you need a good strong (preferably hospital grade breast pump)and you need to try and pump multiple times per day both sides at the same time. There are herbs that help milk production too.

I am a bit nervous, esp. with no baby in sight yet, but they say start months in advance to build up a supply.
EX: A women pumped every 4 hrs, took Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle (multiple tablets per day) and started producing small amounts of milk at the end of 2 wks. and 2 ounces to store after 2 months).

I have also read that it may bother the birth mom to know you want to do this, although honestly I can't see why. It is in the best interest for the child and you will be doing everything else for and deciding on everything else you want to do for them for the rest of their life. I would think it shows love, determination, hope and care for the baby.

I want to try it! I want to see if my body can and will do it!

I figure I have the time during the day to dedicate to it and like I said, I am determined to do it.
I have been researching pumps and narrowed it down to a few I am interested in, granted they are not hospital grade, but they are double and well recommended.
I am watching a few on Ebay and want to look further into the herbs too.

I also feel like doing this makes me feel proactive in a process that I really have no control over at all. I can make the best of the months that we wait and see if my body can do something right and produce something so beneficial for a small growing baby. I just feel like it would be an amazing feeling to know that I can supply such nourishment and again, a little part of me to our future baby.

So, those are my thoughts I wanted to share :o)


Update: Ocotber 17, 2008

I have decided against this for now. The more I read the more I see that this is a big deal breaker (sadly) for many Bmoms.
I also decided (at least for now) that I do not want the constant pumping (every few hours) to be a constant reminder of how I long for our little one. I have run my life by testing my BS every few hours and cutting back to testing 3 -5 times a day (per my DR)instead of 10+ while ttc and it feels good to get my life back, away from watching the hours on the clock. Maybe when our baby is in sight I may feel differently. I would still love to be able to feed a part of me to our baby, but for now I will put this thought out of my mind and maybe revisit it another time.

1 mos waiting today

We are at the one month mark and still waiting patiently for something :o)

3 weeks waiting today

I feel good. Went to a yard sale yest. and bought a Kelty Kids (really cool) back pack carrier, door way jumper and a few small toys.
I am feeling relaxed the past few days, not wondering when or thinking too much, not worrying...just praying.
God Bless!