OMG! J called this morning, she's heading to the hospital

She called around 8 am and said she thought she was in labor. We called Tim at the travel agency right away and got our flight booked (earliest and most direct possible) for 7pm tonight out of Logan to get to NV for 10:11 pm...OMG We are soooo nervous. We are going to go over to see Grammy in the new rehab she is in very shortly. Tim also booked our hotel and rental car...yay! He was an amazing help!
We are so nervous and anxious right now...too much so to be excited I think.

Funny when we got the call this am (Josh answered) Josh was making his oatmeal cookies with white choc bits and I was rocking in my new glider...OMG!!

Please, please God watch over all of us, help us to have safe travels, J have a safe labor and baby to be healthy. Take care of Grammy, our whole family and doggies while we are gone. Praying with all that I am that the next post I type when I return is a very very happy one.

Please GOD!

Merry Christmas!

We all had a great Christmas although we missed spending the day with Grammy who is still in the hospital.
No baby yet. I just looked back at some of J's info we had gotten and noticed based on LMP and days between periods that her due date would have been 12-24-08. So she is just one day over today...interesting and I have no idea why I didn't think to check this earlier..LOL!

To the ones who are no longer with us this holiday

To my Grandma Catherine, Grandpa Gus, Grampa Joe, Audrey and Peanut. I miss you all very much!

I remember Grandma how you were always there. Every Christmas and every holiday was celebrated with you. You were always living life, active, learning, healthy and happy. I strive to be like that. You were the glue that kept everyone together...our family will never be the same without you and that saddens me. Oh to see your smile and hear your laugh again. I miss you lots.

Grandpa Gus...I only new you for a short time as you passed away when I was just a baby. Sadly I don't remember you, but I hear lots of stories from my Dad. I wish I got to know you better and I want you to know that you are missed by all of us.

Grampa Joe...every year you and Grammy would send us a box of little presents we made a tradition of opening one a night for a few nights leading up to Christmas. You'd call me and say "I just called to say I love you" that brings tears to my eyes now. I remember you calling us from FL every Christmas day and asking us what we got. I miss you and would love to give you a hug right now...I can still smell your cologne. Grammy is sick right now and we pray for her to stay with us for a while longer as we aren't ready to let her go yet. I know when God calls her home she will be with you once again and I take comfort in knowing that. I love you Grampy!

Audrey although you were technically a family friend, you were an Aunt to us. You met me the day I was born and you were there always. Your calm demeanor and gentle way is missed greatly in our family. Sometimes you just don't know how special someone is until you loose them. Whenever I go to ME to visit A. Anne I expect you there. I want you to know we all loved you and you are very much missed.

I also miss our little peanut who we conceived at the end of this month last year and lost at the end of January. We had such hopes and dreams for our lives when we found out about you and we will forever remember you as just that, a hope and a dream that came true just by finding out about you. We miss what would have been.

I also think about all the friends that have passed away too young and leave their children and loved ones. And the friends who have lost their young babies/ children. My heart goes out to all of them and their families.

God Bless!

40 weeks, 2 days & Christmas Eve today

We'll see what today brings...
At this point I feel like we are being teased into thinking we'll be here tonight for Christmas Eve and tomorrow for Christmas, but one just doesn't know for sure. All it takes is one moment for that to change and us to be heading off. I do hope now that we get to enjoy the holiday home here and then have baby come some time soon after Christmas. What are the chances?!
As the days progress I know it is getting closer and closer and I am feeling just fear and nervousness for what is to come.

Well,
Merry Christmas Eve!

40 weeks and 1 day today

Where are you baby? Are you going to wait till Christmas to show?? :o)

12-22-08 baby's due today!

Ahhh, were to start...All these feelings. Nervousness, anxiousness, excited, scared, happy, hopeful! We are feeling them all.
To know you are due today or really any day now...WOW! That amazes me. I remember 11-10 like it was yesterday and hearing Terry's message on the machine about you and now you are due.
It is so hard not knowing how things will ultimately go, but we already feel love for you. It is true that you've grown in our hearts! I can picture your sweet little face and pray every moment that you are healthy.

We just want you to know that we are ready for you, physically and mentally :o) We can't wait till the day you arrive, the first time we hear about you, see you, hold you...just thinking about it makes me catch my breath.

Well baby, you're Mommy and Daddy and whole family are ready to meet you so come on out, lol!
I am going to take your furry brothers for a ride (this will be their first time riding in Mommy's truck with your car seat in there, wonder how they'll like that, lol!) I need to pick up a few more things for us to eat as we are running out of food waiting here for you, we thought we'd be long gone to get you by now. And when I am out, I'm going to stop at Babies R Us and buy you something to mark this day, your due date.

Hmmm, wondering how much longer we'll wait????????????

God Bless!

J called us last night

She wanted to say hi. We chatted a bit and had a nice conversation. She's hoping to hold off on having the baby till after Christmas, lol! Only change as of now is her back is really hurting her and she just feels huge, uncomfortable for her to sleep. I can't imagine her not going till after Christmas...this being her 3rd baby I can't believe he or she hasn't come earlier. And so we wait...

I guess no baby today

I called and spoke with J's Mom (J is staying with friends who are closer to the hospital). Just wanted to see how J was doing. Her Mom says she's good, no changes yet. Wow, I would have put money on it that she'd be going long before her due date. J received our background info on Fri. and her Mom said that made J feel a lot better as all she had on us was our profile book. Well tomorrow is her due date so as I have been saying...any day now!

1 day till due date

No baby yet. I really would have thought she'd go before this. We are in the middle of another snow storm here...due for another 10 inches or so. We also got 10 inches on Friday through Saturday, actually it really hasn't stopped snowing since when it started on Fri. Yest. the snow came down all day, but very lightly. Today it is coming at a heavy clip again. The starter on the plow truck is stuck so the truck isn't starting...Josh is working on that right now.
We installed the Safeseat in my car this morning and the little rain forest mirror too, what fun!
As excited as I am for baby to be here. I am hoping to get through this storm (first day of winter today) before we get "the" call.

Update on Gram too. She was brought back to Nashoba on Fri. her WBC was up and they wanted to run tests to see why. She has a UTI, she also suffered another heart attack the day before that at the rehab when she was c/o severe heartburn and a bad headache. Her heart Dr. over there thought her heart was getting progressively worse so he had her transferred to Beth Isreal where she is now and she's doing well. She is on the cardiac unit and the plan is for her to have a an angioplasty tomorrow some time and hopefully then be returning to rehab. We all are really hoping she'll be able to be home for Christmas. Who knows where we'll be!?

So, as we wait we pray for a healthy baby boy or girl.

Come on baby...we are ready!

Our bags are all packed and ready in the kitchen. We moved the bassinet into our room and are just waiting for the call. We feel ready to go! We are both feeling very anxious, nervous and excited...OMGosh 2 days to her due date...any day now!

Nothing yet

Just had a quick chat with J and she is feeling good, no changes yet.

Snow in LV...

I awoke this morning to find out that it snowed in Vegas. The news reports it's their worst storm in 30 years (2 inches in 1967, 9 inches in 1974)...go figure! They've got at least 3 inches and it's not clear if the airport is still open or not...yikes! It is so rare to snow there it seems really strange that it is doing it now of all times.
We're due for more snow tomorrow 6-12 inches. I have a feeling we'll be traveling in snow one way or another.

New travel plan...

I just got off the phone with our SW. It seems our facilitator talked with J to see what her plan was for us to come out there and J told her that she doesn't want anything to do with the baby after he or she is born. She doesn't even want to see the baby. She wants Josh and I to be the ones to take care of the baby and bond with the baby in the hospital. Our facilitator was feeling her out as far as her certainty with her adoption plan as she knows it would be a big financial loss for us to go out there and return without the baby if J were to change her mind. They all feel pretty certain that she has made this plan and will be sticking to the plan.
So, when her Mom calls and says she is in labor, we are off and running. We'll need to up and go asap.

All we can do is pray that he or she is healthy.

J does want to meet us and spend some time with us in the hospital.

I am glad that we will have this time with the baby right after birth and while in the hospital. I do feel bad for J. I can't imagine how hard this will be for her.
When we didn't think we'd be traveling for 72 hours the other day I was a little sad that we wouldn't be there to be with the baby right after birth, but now we get to be there asap...wow!

Once discharged from the hospital the baby will go into cradle care and we can visit the baby there until the surrender is done.

God please, please let this all work out for us. Our hearts are so invested in this now.

Now I am even more anxious for "the" call :o)

5 days to go...okay, baby time to come out, ;o)

Three years ago today

Josh proposed to me. He said this morning he'd do it all over again...good ;o)

He was saying wouldn't it be funny if J had the baby today because 3 years ago on this day he put on our song (sung by an female artist who shares the name that J picked out ~ it seemed like it was meant to be as soon as we heard the girls name she liked)sat me down, got down on one knee, took my hand and asked me to marry him.
I love my Josaboo so much and I thank the Lord for him each day.

We are getting so anxious to hear that this little boy or girl has arrived safe and healthy. Then we just need to get through 72 hours till J surrenders and we are on our way to get him or her.

God Bless!

Spoke with our SW

We talked about sending some money to J for transportation.
I asked her about when we should travel and she said she and J's counselor will be pushing for it to be after the surrender so we aren't out any travel money if J changes her mind.
J's counselor will talk to J about this and encourage this situation so hopefully J is okay with that. If not, we'll see...

J is 39 weeks today

7 days to go...wow!

I called to talk with J tonight to see how things are going. Her Mom told me she is staying with a friend now that she is so close to her due date (closer to hospital and has transportation).

I had a nice long chat with her Mom. She told me all about the evening that J had changed her mind (briefly) and came back to her original decision. It was good to hear why this had happened (I won't share the details here).

I can't believe it is getting so close.
I got the Graco Metrolite and car seat base out of the garage tonight to go with the Snugride car seat. So we'll be ready to go.

I need to call and talk with our SW tomorrow to see what she thinks about us waiting to go out till after baby has arrived and J is ready to sign or till TPR is signed. I don't know what J thinks about that either...
I 'll call her on Wed. to see if she is back at her Mom and Dad's and see how she is doing.

More later...

God Bless!

J called last night

She called to thank us for the package we sent her. She said she really liked it.
She had gone to see her adoption counselor/ SW yesterday afternoon at the agency she is working with. She said she talked with them and they said what she is feeling is normal. She said they showed her the forms she'd be signing.
She said the agency was wondering if we'd be coming there before the baby was born or after.
We'd prefer to travel there after the baby has arrived safe and sound and we hear he/she is healthy and that J will be signing or has signed TPR. We are hoping that this is the way we can do this. Then we can meet her afterward and give her her New England bag and gift.
She feels she'll go full term.
She had asked the agency what happens if the Bfather comes back after she has signed, they said we and he would have to go to court. We asked her if he had been interested in parenting and she said he didn't want her to give up the baby for adoption, but she hasn't spoken to him or seen him in many months now.
We just keep praying for all involved in this adoption situation.

New name list

J called back last night

She called us around 11:45 pm (here) and she was very calm, sounded happier then ever and apologized over and over again. She said she was going to go through with the adoption. That she had made her mind up and wasn't changing it. She wants us to have the baby. Her boyfriend came back into the picture and was trying to get her to keep the baby (not sure yet if it is Bfather or not), but when they started to talk about how things would work, she realized they weren't going to. She said she was going through an emotional roller coaster over the past 2 days and she is sure now. We asked her if she would change her mind again (I know, one never knows) and she said a firm no. So I guess we proceed from here very cautiously and guarded. I need to call our SW and update her on the change again. Josh and I would really like it if we could wait till TPR is signed before traveling just in case.

I will keep you all updated.

Heart broken

Our hearts just ache. We wonder why it is so hard for us to obtain one of the things that is so easy to so many.
I am so angry that I let myself believe. I just knew it was too good to be true, why did I let myself believe??
I know that this just wasn't meant to be and I do believe our baby is out there. I pray and pray that we are matched again quickly. I can't bear the thought of waiting and waiting. Not after the happiness we were feeling just a short time ago has been ripped away, yet again.
Please God lead us down the right path, we need your guidance. Please lead us to our child...please!

Failed Adoption

I will write more at a later date. Right now, Josh and I are heart broken.

We called to talk with J and she was acting funny and asked for our number to call us back, she said she was just talking with her parents and wanted to finish. She called us back in about 1/2 hr (Josh and I just sat in the office by the phone waiting). We had a bad feeling. She called back and said she was having second thoughts and that she wanted to keep the baby. She said her boyfriend was going to help her...how devastating for us... We wished her the best of luck. Josh talked with her a bit and I cried and cried...

12 days to go...or less??

I am getting so excited, actually I should say we :o)

We went out shopping last night looking for a glider for me and one of our stops was the consignment store in NH that Josh and I went to to buy our all terrain stroller (when we were expecting last winter). Josh picked out a toy for the baby, LOL! A CAT front loader :O) I love this guy!!

He also said last night that he thinks we should put the car seat in my car and get it all ready.

I am starting to believe this is going to happen. Please God!

I mailed J's box on Monday (nightshirt, slipper socks, bathrobe, tic tacs, Crabtree body lotion). With a note saying that: Josh and I picked up these things for you so you have something comfy to wear in the hospital. Hope you like them. We look forward to meeting you soon.
Love, Jill and Josh with a little Golden Retriever sticker next to our names.

Grammy was moved to the 3rd (regular) floor yest. I guess she is doing some what better then. They are planning to move her to a rehab sometime this week. They think that the combo of meds she is on is contributing to her trouble breathing. Oh, God please, please watch over her, keep her safe and get her healthy. We are not ready to say goodbye to her...such a wonderful woman!

So, as we get close to this day...any day now...
I want you so badly. I don't care that we'll be away for Christmas as long as Josh and I can be with this baby...Please God watch out for this child, we are praying so much that he or she is completely healthy and becomes our baby. We are so ready to love you forever :o)

Another Grammy update

Grammy had trouble breathing last night and everyone rushed in...not sure what was done really, but we learned today she has congestive heart failure :o( She was really having a hard time breathing today when Mom and I visited with her. She has the mass in her L lung, both upper and lower lobe and fluid in her R lung...poor Grammy! She is getting hit so hard.
We love you Grammy and are praying for you!

Grammy update

She was doing much better yest. We all went to see her (Dad stayed home with the dogs). She was sitting up in the chair, I guess she was there all day :o)

She looked much better, stopped vomiting and was in good spirits.

They did a KUB yest. to see about her abdominal bloat, we'll get those results today. She'll have further tests this week I would believe.

So at this point, she had suffered a heart attack some time around being admitted on Friday night. They did a CT as she reported some trouble breathing, the CT showed a large mass in her lung (tumor mass in L upper and lower lobe with extensive adenopathy). They want to make sure it hasn't spread into the chest wall, belly or surrounding areas, that's why they are concerned with the bloating. So, she has lung cancer and they also think she may have pneumonia also.
They are doing well at stabilizing her heart with medications and I guess we'll then work out biopsying the tumor, etc...
Will keep you updated.
Please keep praying for Grammy! I have some renewed hope that she may hang on for a while and maybe by the grace of God meet her Great Grandbaby! Please, oh please!!
God Bless!

J is 38 weeks today

WOW!
Josh said this morning that he has a feeling that she will go this week, Thursday maybe. You watch, we'll all be wrong and she'll be late...

We played a little game in the family, called the Baby Game and guessed some stats, here they are.


Baby Game:

Jill Girl 12th or 15th or 20th (cuz I'm the mommy to be and can, lol!) 6.14 or 7.6 19.5 or 20.5

Josh Boy 16th 7.5 20

Elaine Girl 18th 6.10 19.5

Bill Girl 16th 6.3 14 (he~he)

Cindy Girl 20th 7.7 21

Grammy's guess is a Girl on Christmas week (she awoke 12-16 after having a dream that it was a healthy boy named Timothy (Timmy Joseph) He~He!

Aunt Anne Boy 23rd 6.5 @ 4:10 am

Tracy O Boy 17th 8

Helen Boy 25th 6.5 20

Barbara Boy 24th 7.3 20

Diana (ME) Girl 26th 6.5 19.5

Grammy 's in the hospital

Dec 5th:

I just wanted to ask for some prayers for my Grammy. My parents took her to the ER tonight. She has cellulitis, some trouble breathing and a really high bp. They admitted her and will be running lots of test. She was in this time last year too and got her pacemaker put in. Josh and I are off to my company Christmas party now. I will update tomorrow when I know more. Thanks in advance for your prayers.

Dec 6th:

The Dr says it doesn't look good :o( It appears she had a heart attack at some point recently (yesterday??) they are putting her in ICU to try and regulate her heart (not exactly sure what is going on with it at this time) they also discovered a mass in her lung and think it is cancer (not sure what treatments would be done as she is 87 years old). I am so sad to know that we are due to up and leave at anytime to be all the way across the US for who knows how long and I don't want to miss time with her or worse, not be here at the end. I told my parents the other day, I can't wait to see Grammy hold our baby. I just pray to God that she recuperates from this and holds on till we return so we can be with her and she can meet our baby. Please pray for her. She stayed over our house last weekend and helped us put up the tree and she was doing great (has been really healthy other then needing the pace maker last year). It is so hard to deal with this now. I do know she has lived a great, long life, but please God just let her meet her Great Grandchild. When she found out about this baby, she said this will be the best Christmas ever, who would have known.
Thanks for all the prayers!

Thank you for your prayers...they mean so much to us.
We visited with her this morning and she is very tired (not like her at all) she has a lot going on, very suddenly. We have found out that she has a large mass in her lungs, that is cancer and is also unable to keep anything down and her stomach is distended all of a sudden so they suspect that she also has cancer in her abdomen or stomach. She is have trouble breathing and is on O2 and her heart is still not stabilized. She is such a sweetly naive person and doesn't see the extent of all of this, she thinks she'll be going home in 3 or 4 days... She refers to this as a problem that needs to be fixed and we are thinking they won't be able to do much because of her age and heart problems. In a way I am glad that she is naive and always looks on the bright side of things. I believe that is what has kept her going all through life, the loss of my Grandpa, etc...
Please continue to pray for her. Thank you!

19 days to go till 12-22!!!

J is 37 weeks today

So we (J, Josh and I) are in the final stretches, wahoo! Okay baby, we are ready for you...you can come any time now :O)

Great talk with J

Both Josh and I spoke with J last night. It was a great call! J seemed more friendly and open right off the bat and then Josh jumped in and she opened up some more. She said she had thought of a day for us to come...December 19th (she had mentioned this to me before).
She talked of how the agency told her she has 3 days till she can sign and that the baby would have to stay in the hospital an extra day, or in a foster home for a day or with her. I asked her what she thought of that, she said she couldn't take the baby because she didn't have anything for it (or something like that). We found out she has a new boyfriend who supports her and she'd like to return to school and work with animals. We also discussed the open adoption relationship we all hope to have. It was just a really good (relieving) conversation. The way she spoke makes us believe all over again that she has chosen us. I feel she has set her mind to this decision and she has decided she is not keeping this baby. I feel so relieved.
I was able to walk into the nursery again this morning and breath a sigh of relief.

Josh and I are so excited!

There is like 20 days until we may be meeting her...maybe less :o)

God Bless!

It clicked last night

Josh and I hosted Thanksgiving at our home this year. Mom, Dad, Grammy, Cindy, Fred and Phil came. We had a great dinner and day. Josh did the turkey...it was mmmmmm good :O) Everything was delicious! It was our first time using our China set we got for our wedding from Josh's parents. We were very excited to get to use it finally.
Grammy slept over and Josh and I put together our artificial Christmas tree yest. morning (we are putting it up really early this year as we just don't know how the month of Dec. will play out. I am getting all our Christmas stuff done ASAP and even wrote out all the cards on Wed. the day before Thanksgiving).

Well, last night after the tree was all lit up pretty and everyone (Mom, Dad and Grammy) left...they came down so Dad could cut a tree with Josh who ended up being called in to work(he's on call)and they also picked up Grammy to bring her home). Josh was still on the job and I sat alone in the living room with God's Arms CD playing (that Mom and Dad gave to us as a gift yest. morning when they got here) and just stared at the tree and it hit me, it finally clicked. As of right now, we are adopting this baby. I sat and thought about J's life and how even if she decided she wants to keep this baby, there is really no way she could. They can not afford to and live too. All the baby's hospital bills and baby expenses will be her responsibility. I so feel very sad for J that she is struggling in life and I want to see her make it better for herself. We'll never be able to thank her enough for this gift she'll be giving to us.

I have been so full of worry...what if this doesn't happen or she changes her mind??

Well, Josh believes it is going to happen and I want to believe along with him too!

We will still remain cautious and a little guarded, but we are so happy and we need to be able to live that feeling and express it...we deserve too.
I think that it is just so hard for me because this is something I have wanted for so long, much longer then the 2 years we have been ttc. And I just feel like all our hopes and dreams of this adoption are floating around in this balloon or this bubble and I am just waiting for someone to come by with a pin and pop it. I feel like it is too good to be true.

So, I will from now on promise myself I will believe...I will allow myself to believe it is going to happen and to feel the joyful feeling (like the day we found out we had been chosen) and push away the fear that has since replaced that initial joy.

Josh and I have been selected by a birth mother who is due around Christmas. We will fly out when ready and pray all goes well and we will be given the most blessed gift of all...a baby. We will love this baby and cherish he/she always as well as J for her strength and courage.

God Bless!

Our Birth Mom is 36 weeks, 1 day today

I still can't believe that we've been chosen. I have such fear of the what if. I just want the day to come so we can see if this baby will indeed be ours, this is so hard. To want something so much for so long and have it be right in front of you, but you don't actually know if you can have it...scary stuff!

Listening to all the adoption stories I try and compare them to ours and knowing that they had good outcomes, all we can do is keep praying.

I say, what is meant to be will be...I believe this, but at the same time the fear of it is very powerful. I am now at the point where I worry about the loss of the money and fear we won't have enough to continue on if this placement doesn't work.

I feel like it has to work...I feel at peace with this, believe it or not I am not as crazy as I thought I'd be during this time.
When I was pg, I didn't have a feeling it would end happily, but with this adoption, I have had a feeling from the get go that things would work out.

Please God bring this little one into the world safely and healthy and please God please allow us to be his/her Mommy and Daddy! We will never know a greater joy!!

5th Aparent class tonight

Another great and informative class! The presenter was an author of some books and an adoptee. He was great!
We also talked with another couple who has been chosen for a baby due at the end of January in NV and another couple who adopted a baby girl in September from NV...all from the same facilitator.
I will call Federal Travel tomorrow and see what I can find out. The couple who adopted in 9/08 recommended the Marriott Res. Inn (saying Fed. travel gets you great rates to stay there and also for flight and car rental).

Yesterday was my 32nd Birthday

WOW!
Josh and my Mom threw me an awesome party! It was such a good time. Mom baked me a cake and Dad decorated it with a Golden on it (he really tried...it was so funny). I'll have to post pics.
Cindy and Fred gave me an MP3 player. Mom and Dad gave me an apple peeler/corer/slicer, some really soft sage colored throw pillows and a few other things. Josh gave me some lovely perfume and a gift card to Lobster Boat...MMM!
It was a great day :O) Oh ya, C also gave Josh and I a little fuzzy doggie hat and mittens set for the baby...AWWW!
I tried calling yest. afternoon to talk with J, but she wasn't home. I'll try her again later in the week. I am not sure how much she wants us to call...
I believe she starts her 36th week of pg this week. I think she'll go 2 weeks early...we'll see!

Spoke with J again

I called her tonight to say hi and see how she's doing. She was just relaxing and watching tv. She said she's doing well. She told me about her appt. on Monday and that now she needs to go back on Thurs. for a recheck as she had to make something up for them to see her on Mon. I told her I'd check in with her again over the weekend.

Also,
I spoke with our SW today and she said that 3/4 of all the adoptions they do are the same situation as this Bfather and that we shouldn't worry too much because she can't really remember any coming forward...of course we are worried, but this has helped to hear.

Baby's due date

Got an email from our facilitator that said J was seen by a DR yest. and that the baby is healthy (not sure what tests or procedures were done), she heard the heartbeat and her due date is 12-22! She has another DRs appt. on Thursday afternoon.

Update:
I called to speak with J tonight and she was out so instead her Mom and I had a nice chat. She told me that J had an U/S yest. and all looked good with the baby...thank you God! She seems very supportive of the adoption, actually very for it. She knows it would be the best thing for this child. I told her to tell J I called and I would try her again tomorrow.

Name list

Josh and I sat down last night to work on a list of names to share with the Bmom (I'd like to refer to her as J from now on). We still both really love Aleigha for a girl and Joel for a boy, we were unable to come up with any other boy names we liked. So we are hoping she likes Joel.
For girls we like: Haylee
Josie
Makinlee
Terasa (Tess or Tessa)
Alexis
Keara/Keira
Rylee
None of them as much as Aleigha, but they are the best of all the ones we read in the baby name book.
Hopefully she'll like our favorite girl/boy names.

Wonder....................

I sit up these past few nights finding it hard to put my mind to rest. I wonder about you, about your future. Will we be your Mommy and Daddy?????

The fear in my heart that we just don't know the answer to this is so strong. I feel you out there, I feel I've known about you for a while now, yet we know nothing about you.
We pray first and foremost for your health and for your birth mom's strength and courage and for a smooth transition for all of us as we wait, wonder and worry about your birth fathers rights for what will seem like an eternity I am sure.

It is so, so very hard just not knowing what will ultimately happen.
I have become attached to this little one who is not yet here and who we have just came to find out about a mere week ago today.
We want you little one soooooo very much!
As the days go on I feel more worried I can't imagine things changing and us coming home without you or this situation not continuing at all.
Okay that's it, I need to and will stop worrying about this. What's going to happen is going to happen it is in God's hands and there is no changing what's to come, we need to accept whatever comes with this situation, but for now...We are CHOSEN and we wait excitedly for news each and every day.
I pray for you with all that I am that you are born healthy and strong and you are our baby!

God hear this prayer!

Surreal

This all feels so surreal. I look in the nursery and see the baby stuff packed. I got the car seat ready to grab and I can't help but feel like why am I doing this...oh, ya.
I guess this all comes from waiting and wanting this for so long.
I am sharing our news with all our friends both online and in real life and we are getting lots of kind words, thoughts, support and prayers and I just can't pray enough that we are not ALL let down in the end.
Everyone keeps saying you guys will be having the best Christmas ever and yes, we could or...we don't even want to think about the or.
Every time I think about the outcome that will make US happy I think about what the Bmom is going through...I can't imagine. I just believe that she knows that this decision is for the best.
I am truly terrified, we have so much waiting to do after baby comes before we know if he/she is ours. We wait 72 hours before bmom can sign and then 4 weeks (I think) for bdad to come round and sign or for his rights to be legally terminated. I am so scared to get in too deep emotionally, who am I kidding, we already are.
God please protect our hearts. You know how badly we want this and how much we are praying for this child.
This all feels so completely surreal!

Spoke with Bmom

I called and spoke with the Bmom yest. after I got out of work (about 5:30 our time) we spoke for about 20 mins or so. I feel it went really well...I hope she did too. She is hoping to get seen in the ER on Monday and I asked her if she'd like me to give her a call afterward to see how she is doing. She said I could give her a call on Tuesday. We hope she is able to be seen and we all can get some relief that all looks well.
While talking with her I could only imagine what she is going through. I told her how much respect I have for her and what she is going through. She sounded very shy and sweet. She asked if we'd be flying out to her state when the baby comes and if we'd send her pictures and letters letting her know how he or she is doing in the future, in school, etc...
I asked her if she had thought of any names or if she wanted us to come up with some. She thought we could all come up with some and talk about them.
I really hope our future conversations go well and we can become closer.
Funny thing is I swear she said she was due at the beg. of December, hmmm!

Josh and I have lots to do to get everything in order for Christmas. I hope to have all our gifts purchased and wrapped and everything else all set before we have to leave.

Josh is really feeling happiness and excitement. We toasted with Champagne last night to the hopes of a good future ahead. Please cont. to pray with us that everything cont. along this journey well. It is so hard just not knowing....

I told some of my friends at work yest. (Karen, Laura, Marilyn). They were very happy for us...Laura gave me a hug and was all teary.

This baby would mean the world to us. We pray with all we've got that this baby is healthy and becomes ours.

God Bless!

Spoke with our adoption agency

And they told us that the Bmom is very excited. She feels bonded to Josh and I through our profile. She didn't want to look at any others and wants us to be the family for her baby. WOW!
She is due around Christmas so I am giving her a due date of 12-15-08...he~he! So that makes her 35 weeks.
I really just can't believe this is happening for us so soon. I will never forget the feeling of peace I had Monday after consignment shopping. I felt so calm and relaxed about the process and probably a long wait. I returned home to a message from our facilitator. She wanted to know if we wanted to be considered for a Bmom's baby. I thought that meant she'd present us to the Bmom, but now I realize that meant that the Bmom had chosen us already. When we were first presented with the decision we had to do some considering, mostly now I think it was just because it was all so sudden. Now that a few days have passed and it has all begun to sink in it feels right. Esp. after hearing of how the Bmom is feeling about us...makes us feel very lucky. We pray that everything continues along smoothly...what are the chances of that?!
Josh spoke with his employer and they are aware that he may be needing a few weeks off around Christmas and told him they want to know what gender the baby is so they can get he or she a gift.
It scares me that things feel like they are right and both Josh and I are so happy and cautiously excited.
We haven't yet received the email from the facilitator with the Bmom's info or her phone # so we haven't spoken yet...I am so nervous!
I wonder what it was about us that she liked so much. We still haven't had a chance to talk on the phone yet. When we do, maybe I will ask her.

Adoption situation update ~ We are Chosen~

I spoke with our facilitator today to see if the bmom had made any choices yet, she said, yes, she has selected you guys :o)
OMG! We will be setting up a time, possibly tom. evening to speak with the bmom...wow!
She is about 31 wks now. We still have to go over stuff and consider some things, but we feel so very cautiously excited for this situation.
Please continue to pray with us that the best decision is made for this child.
Thank you!

We wait as Bmom looks at profiles

Okay, when we got the call on Monday that a Bmom had seen our info and expressed an interest in us (our facilitator told her she wasn't sure we were still available so she could run the situation by us) and we needed to decide if we wanted to be considered for her particular situation, we got excited...this was our first call (I was shaking, hyperventilating and smiling ear to ear). I called Josh at work and told him about this situation. We discussed it and both decided to pursue it. I called our facilitator back and told her that we both were fine with the situation and she said good, she'd give Bmom our profile to look through and call us tom. (yest.). No call yest. that's ok, I know these things take time, but as yest. came and went and we waited, I realized something...we want this baby. All of us, my whole family would love this to be the child for us.
So, we wait...again and see.
I keep telling myself to think with my head and not my heart...that was pretty easy until yest. afternoon when I started really wanting this.
I honestly just pray for this Bmom while she makes this amazingly tough decision.
We pray she chooses us if this is the baby God has meant for us. We'd then have to wait and make sure the baby checks out okay on exam as Bmom hasn't had any prenatal care.
Please pray with us for all involved in this situation and we'll update as soon as we know anything.
Thank you!

2 mos. waiting today and a call

We got a call today from our facilitator. She has a bmom who expressed interest in us and she wanted to know if we were interested in the situation. Josh and I decided early on we wanted to adopt a Caucasian baby. In this situation, the bmom is Caucasian and the bfather is Hispanic.
We are both okay with this and feel God will bring us to "our" child. I spoke with Josh to be sure he wanted to pursue the situation we were presented with and I then called back our facilitator and said, yes, we would be interested. She said she'd have bmom look at our profile and she'd be in touch with us again tomorrow.
I got lots of info on bmom...nothing I want to go into now, except that she is due around Christmas.
Please pray with us that the right decision is made by all. Thanks!

2 months waiting

Today marks two months since beginning our wait to adopt. More later...

Another poem

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today,
I asked, "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard him say:
A Mother has a baby,
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied
With confidence in his voice,
I give many women babies,
When they leave it is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day,
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here.

He took a breath,
and cleared his throat,
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile
With other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow is where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear,
"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,
Your children are okay.
Your babies are here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lessons there are through,
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see
What makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart,
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.

How we celebrated our 2 year Anniversary

Josh and I celebrated our 2nd wedding anniversary today. We can't believe it has been 2 years already. I just wanted to post and say how much I love him. He is a wonderful husband and truly a wonderful man. We agreed not to spend money on each other as we need to save it for our adoption. I bought DH a card and wrote from my heart what he means to me. DH came home from work with a dozen roses and we went to dinner (a gift from my Mom and Dad) and then a movie (Chunky's Cinema) where we had coffee and split a huge piece of yummy fudge cake. We then got home and had champagne and talked with each other about life, love and our future (he thinks that on our next Anniversary we will have a baby, we shall see). I just love how he made it a very special night for us. I feel so blessed that God brought him into my life.
As Josh wrote on my card and what we said as we toasted: 2 down, many more to come!

Our 2nd Wedding Anniversary

Is today :o)
Happy Anniversary to my wonderful husband! I love you more and more as times goes by. Can't wait to celebrate tonight with dinner and a movie.
My Mom and Dad gave us a card, 2 bottles of Champagne and some moolaa to go out and celebrate.
I wouldn't want to know life without my Joshaboo. Thank you God for bringing him into my life.

Infertility Poems

If god had truly blessed me, then in my arms tonight
I would rock you gently baby, and hold you oh so tight
If god had truly blessed me he'd send from up above
An angel I could hold so tight, and fill your life with love
If life was oh so easy, and everything went right
I'd love you with all I have, and protect you with my all might
But life is not so easy, at times its oh so hard
I sit upon my bed at night, i've cried baby i've cried

Waiting for the Moon



My friend called today

tears in her voice

Her period started

and her dreams for a new baby are postponed

yet another month.



I hold my infant to my breast

eager mouth tugging and pulling

little hands patting and stroking.

My eyes well up with tears.

How many days turned to months turned to years

did I kneel and weep

pressing my hands to my empty womb

rocking on my heels

pleading with cruel fate

"send me a living child?"

My womb wept bright blood tears

as I felt my youth slip away

moon after moon

cycle after cycle

month after month

year after long year

My grief was indescribable

unendurable

mourning a child not yet conceived

only wished for, dreamed of, prayed for.

And then later, mourning the children conceived

but lost in pain and blood and tears.



Moon months, cycle songs, lovemaking, babylonging.

These are the things that defined my young womanhood.

eight years of eternal emptiness

years defined by the Moon

By blood

By hope and by tears.

II

I have not missed those cycles

the moon rising within

the blood that defined my loss and failure.

My life has now become an hourly measure

and rather than by a lunar month

I am

defined by nursing

by a small demanding mouth

by the fullness of my breast

by rich sweet milk that drips from me

and flows life and love to my child.



I will not (cannot) forget, though,

the years my womb wept blood tears,

the months the shards

of grief began as my period started...

Lactating now, my body moves to another vision

another Time.

The moon tides no longer control me

I am bound to the Earth, to the small body

of another, to a warm mouth in the night that nuzzles

and seeks and heals my tattered soul

and pieces my heart together.

Pergonal and modern medicine gave me a child,

but the child at my breast Healed my infertility.

For Tabitha

by Kathryn Miller Ridiman

summer Solstice l995

first published in Midwifery Today

Infertile Poetry

The Childless Mother’s Lullaby
by Ella Rhoads Higginson, 1925

Oh, many’s the time in the evening
When the light has fled o’er the sea,
That I dream alone in the gloaming
Of the joys that are not for me;
And oft in my sorrowful bosom
Swells up the mother-love flame,
And I clasp with my arms that are trembling
My child that never came. . . .

The hours swim on the midnight,
The moon looks over the hill,
And the u-lu-lu of the night owl
Sinks mournfully and shrill;
The solitude aches with rapture,
And my heart with the mother-love flame
As I sing alone in the gloaming
To the child that never came.

From A BOOK OF LULLABIES (Elva S. Smith ed., 1925).

In not such a good way today

For no reason at all or all the reasons in the world I feel sad today.
Just want to cry and be some where else...
I feel such an ache, such an emptiness, such a want, such a desire for a child.
It breaks my heart I can't give my DH, my family or myself a baby.
I am so tired of wanting. I know we were approved for DIA just a little over 1 mos ago, but I have been waiting to be a Mom since we first started TTC, actually technically almost my whole life. My life goal (sad goal to some I am sure)was to meet a wonderful man and marry him, have babies and be a stay at home mom. I just see the whole mom ideas slipping further away.
I have had this crazy idea that we'd be matched quickly, but so have others who have waited for a year or more :o( I feel like yet again I am fooling myself.

And I worry so much about everything. My family, DH, DH's job, money, etc...

I so badly want to stop the worry and live in the day...I just feel like until my ultimate goal is complete and I can experience the joy of a child and of being a Mom I will continue in this cycle and cont. to feel such sadness and emptiness.

Thanks for listening today!

Some days I just get lost inside myself and I know that is where I am today...I need and will pull myself back out.

Life is as good as we make it. I have a wonderful family and awesome DH. Things are the way they are now and there are never any guarantees about what you have or that things will ever get better. So I will vow to live my life, the life I have for all that it is worth. I will have to have patience with what it is I pray for and believe in God's work and blessings.

4th Aparent class last night

1st class: Substance abuse and pregnancy in Bmoms.
2nd class: Making Lifebooks
3rd class: Open adoptions
4th class: Bmoms speak

Audrey is laid to rest today

Audrey will be laid to rest toady at 11 am at the cemetery in her and our home town. She grew up in this town, funny to think that. I always pictured her from Maine. Imagining her as a little girl running around her house that is up by the lake her in town seems hard to do. The circle of life...
I am glad I'll be able to attend this service as I had to work when they held a very nice service for her in Maine after she passed away. My A. Anne won't be coming down, it is too hard for her to make the trip, she has really bad/ painful knees, very sad! Audrey's niece will be bringing her ashes down and there will be some readings and we'll all gather for lunch after.
I miss you, Audrey. You truly were like an aunt to me and I wish I could go back 15 years, sit and talk with you and give you a hug. The things we think of after and don't stop to think about at the time, when they really matter.
I know you always enjoyed going out to eat and will remember you fondly today as we finally lay your ashes to rest with your mother and father and we celebrate your life.
God Bless!

Got our official approval letter

Yay! We just got our approval letter today...making it official :O) It is in writing and we are approved as pre adoptive parents, wahooo!

Thoughts, dreams, prayers

One day you will be ours, our chosen child.
God has chosen you for us, we just don't know it yet. You may be just a thought in the wind...not even come to be as of yet. You may be the worry on another woman's mind or the fear in a teenager's heart.

When it's time for our paths to cross, the world will feel like it has stood still. I can't imagine the joy we will feel, like we are the only ones in the whole world that have ever felt such happiness and love...for this I pray, for you I pray.

I wonder what you'll be like, will you be a boy or girl? Will we get to name you? Will we be there to see you born? Will we be able to be sure you are truly ours without doubt, without worry. Will your birth mom feel such gladness and relief that she has chosen us that she sticks with her decision, signs the papers and we can be a forever family, will it be?
Will we ever be this lucky???

I have this wonderful vision in my head and am fearful, what if it doesn't come true!?
I see your Daddy and I walking out of the plane and out to our family(ies)waiting with open arms and hearts with you, our tiny miracle secure in your car seat all dressed nicely in your coming home outfit with your lap covered in a beautiful white blanket. I see the smiles, the tears, the hugs and can feel the love.
You get to be held by and meet everyone. They love you! You are adorable, perfect in every way...
After sharing you with everyone, we are home alone together, Daddy, you and me, we just lay next to you and watch you, take all of you in. Afraid if we were to close our eyes you won't be there when we open them. I want to be reminded you are there, by comforting your cries during the night, feeding and cuddling with you. You are ours and home with us where you are meant to be. The start to our little family...

This is the dream that fills my mind and heart and with every ounce of who I am I pray my heart out to GOD each and every day over and over again that this dream will come true. That we will be blessed with a miracle.

Please GOD hear our prayers!

Feelings...

Today as I watch adoption videos online, I cry. I feel so many feelings, happiness and joy for all the families who have gotten their miracles. And, such sadness that we can't choose when and how to have a child, we can't have a child on our own, anger that we have no control over our own destiny.
I believe GOD has a plan and that is what keeps me strong.
I pray one day, we can be a happy family that welcomed a miracle into our lives.

Blessed Peace
The greatest peace
I've ever known
I found in troubled times
For when I put my trust in God
He eased my troubled mind.

-Dolores Karides

Miscarriage and Infant Loss Remeberance Day

Is tomorrow (October 15th). If everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it lit for 1 hr...there will be a continuous wave of light over the world...that our angels can all see when looking down from heaven.

Just got monthly update from Facilitator

I emailed her last night to do a "check in" as yest. put us at the one mos. mark waiting.
She just responded that it has been slow, slower then usual (not usually this slow till around Thanksgiving). They have done 2 placements this mos. One was AA and one Hispanic. They have one more they are working with currently.
Bummer!
I don't know what I expected to hear, but unfortunately this wasn't it.
I have such hope and I am so afraid to start getting sad and discouraged with each passing month like while ttc. It just hit me hard and I broke down and cried.
I pray I can keep up the strength to stay hopeful and strong as we continue to wait.
Pleas GOD help us to be strong! And help our situation come along soon. Please GOD!

Adoptive nursing

I know this can be a controversial topic and I'll admit when I first read about it I though come on, why would you want/need to breast feed an adopted baby.

So, over the past few months the thought has been in my mind and I have kept thinking about it.
I personally am not keen on the idea of b.feeding in general, I know it is wonderful for a baby, but I just don't feel it is for me.
While ttc I had thought about b.feeding and had decided I "might" try it, but I would have been more willing to pump. I am big on bottles and both parents feeding baby and by pumping baby would still be getting the benefits of BM.

Well, I am now thinking I'd like to try and induce lactation so I can pump BM for our future adopted baby. I know this sounds strange to some, so let me explain...

I feel nutritionally it would be a great benefit for baby and also a selfish reason for me would be the fact that I feel I have no hand in creating our baby. I feel like that part of me was taken away, but maybe, just maybe I can create the milk baby would need. That thought makes me feel really good...I could fill baby with my milk, part of me, nutrition to grow from me...I may not have been able to create our little baby, but I can try and create milk to help he/she be who they will be all by using/taking a small, but very beneficial part of me.

I would be interested in exclusively pumping and storing BM and no problem with also using formula too. I am not going to go BM crazy and only want baby to nurse or only take BM.
I just want to see if maybe I can be successful in producing something so important for a little one. And if I am successful in my trial I hope to be able to pump and store many precious ounces for our future baby.

I have been researching this subject and finding both positive and negative. Not too much info out there, but I know it can be done. It takes a lot of determination and darn it, I got that.

Basically what I am finding is that you need a good strong (preferably hospital grade breast pump)and you need to try and pump multiple times per day both sides at the same time. There are herbs that help milk production too.

I am a bit nervous, esp. with no baby in sight yet, but they say start months in advance to build up a supply.
EX: A women pumped every 4 hrs, took Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle (multiple tablets per day) and started producing small amounts of milk at the end of 2 wks. and 2 ounces to store after 2 months).

I have also read that it may bother the birth mom to know you want to do this, although honestly I can't see why. It is in the best interest for the child and you will be doing everything else for and deciding on everything else you want to do for them for the rest of their life. I would think it shows love, determination, hope and care for the baby.

I want to try it! I want to see if my body can and will do it!

I figure I have the time during the day to dedicate to it and like I said, I am determined to do it.
I have been researching pumps and narrowed it down to a few I am interested in, granted they are not hospital grade, but they are double and well recommended.
I am watching a few on Ebay and want to look further into the herbs too.

I also feel like doing this makes me feel proactive in a process that I really have no control over at all. I can make the best of the months that we wait and see if my body can do something right and produce something so beneficial for a small growing baby. I just feel like it would be an amazing feeling to know that I can supply such nourishment and again, a little part of me to our future baby.

So, those are my thoughts I wanted to share :o)


Update: Ocotber 17, 2008

I have decided against this for now. The more I read the more I see that this is a big deal breaker (sadly) for many Bmoms.
I also decided (at least for now) that I do not want the constant pumping (every few hours) to be a constant reminder of how I long for our little one. I have run my life by testing my BS every few hours and cutting back to testing 3 -5 times a day (per my DR)instead of 10+ while ttc and it feels good to get my life back, away from watching the hours on the clock. Maybe when our baby is in sight I may feel differently. I would still love to be able to feed a part of me to our baby, but for now I will put this thought out of my mind and maybe revisit it another time.

1 mos waiting today

We are at the one month mark and still waiting patiently for something :o)

3 weeks waiting today

I feel good. Went to a yard sale yest. and bought a Kelty Kids (really cool) back pack carrier, door way jumper and a few small toys.
I am feeling relaxed the past few days, not wondering when or thinking too much, not worrying...just praying.
God Bless!

2 weeks waiting so far

Who knows how many more there will be. I do wonder???

Haven't done much lately in terms of preparing mostly because almost everything I can do is done, lol!

I do need to put the scented drawer liner in the drawers soon.

Feelings:

I am feeling good, still optimistic. Sometimes I forget we are waiting for "that call", but most of the time I wait and wonder when it will happen. I try and just take each day at a time. I try and tell myself it could take a year or more, but when I start thinking about all that time waiting, it makes me feel awful. I keep praying that our time is sooner rather then later. I take this time planning things in my head, thinking about what we'll do with different situations, each time I go to a store I visit the baby section just to see what they have.
Mom wants to use a coupon I have for $4 of Pampers this week so I think we'll be going to Babies R Us one day this week and she'll be buying us a big box (haven't bought one of these yet) of Pampers size 1's.

Not much more going on.

Would've been due

September 19th or 20th was the due date for our little peanut. I can't believe that all these months have gone by and we weren't able to conceive again.
Honestly there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of our loss...my heart hurts for all who have or will ever experience a m/c.
When I think about all the things I missed out on not being pregnant, it really saddens me, especially when I hear my friends complain (and If I was pg I'm sure I'd complain too so I know they mean nothing by it).
I thank the Lord for helping us come to the decision of adoption and leading us down a new path to parenthood. I really don't know where I would be emotionally if we weren't looking forward to the blessing of a child in our future.

Through the heartbreak of our m/c I worked on our nursery continuing to believe one day we will need it. This has gotten me so far mentally and I am so thankful for that. Our sw was impressed to see the nursery ready (or pretty close to it) on Monday when she did our home visit. I am a planner and love being organized and on top of things so I definitely want to be prepared for any surprise calls.

I just wanted to mark this day in some way. It was supposed to be a very happy time for us and instead we remember our little angel who is with God in heaven.

checking out a sig

Songs and poems

"I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him"
1 Samuel 1:27

I cross my heart: George Strait

From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours: Michael McLean

Arms Wide Open: Creed

A New Day Has Come: Celine Dion

When Love Takes You In: Steven Curtis Chapman

Sweet Baby: Michelle Featherstone

They Chose Me: Faith :Refined

Handprints On The Wall: Kenny Rogers

Amazing: Janelle

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Poem:
We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life.
But those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them, are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God's very own hands.
-Kristi Larson

Our children are not ours because they share our genes...they are ours because we have had the audacity to envision them. That, at the end of the day...or long sleepless night, is how love really works.
-author unkown

Longing for a child to love, I'd wish upon the stars above. In my heart I always knew, a part of me belonged to you.

The day you took my outstretched hand, a journey ended, but our lives began. Still mesmerized by your sweet face, still warmed inside by our first embrace.

Great adoption blinkies

And my all time fave blinkie:

Pictures of the nursery

We are posted as a waiting family

On the facilitators web page. OMG! I just checked like I do everyday and there we are. It is so real now...WOW!

Please GOD continue to help us through this, continue to watch over us and help us achieve our ultimate dream :O)

We had our home visit this morning

And we got verbal approval from our sw :O)
She needs all our medical and 2 more reference letters before she can write up the written approval.
Josh and I are psyched! What an accomplishment. We have learned a lot from the home study process and feel relieved that it is behind us now.
The agency received our application on 7-15 and today is 9-15-08...so much done in just 2 mos.

We are "PAPER PREGNANT" WAHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Now begins the waiting!

New middle name option for a girl

Bella...I like the way Bella sounds with Aleigha, esp. with the nickname Ali . Ali Bella, Ali Bell! So cute!!
Bella means my God is a vow.
What do you think???

PE's are done

Josh and I both got our PE's last week. We still need to get our blood work done, just waiting on our insurance. Having big problems with it. It didn't go through yet...grrr! I called and spoke with the Ins. co last week a few times and they had no record of us and couldn't find the group (the group number on our paperwork was missing 1 number) not sure what is going on. Josh's work told us to pay out of pocket and get receipts and we'd submit them. We got our enrollment form back in the mail yest. the co he works for didn't fill out their part, group name...again...grrr! I have tried to get this info from his work, but feel like we are getting the run around for some reason and this scares me. I left her a message last night saying I needed the group name (cause the ins. co can't find them under the co name for some reason) and I still am waiting to hear back from her. I want to send this out asap. I am so scared we don't have coverage. His work says we do, but I don't put a whole lot of faith in that...We Better! I am completely out of one of my meds after today and need to go pick them up and pay out of pocket. I am so frustrated with this...it should be all set and no worry of ours at all.

Oh ya, The facilitator called yest. to let me know that they received my packet. It hadn't gotten to her to look through yet, but said she'd call me again this week to go over our profile, etc...

I just called again and spoke with Josh's work, she is saying it is Josh's fault for not bringing in the billing to submit. That comes later, Hello? The ins. co isn't going to reimburse us payment till we are actually active with them. And she says she's asked him 3 times to bring in the paperwork and he never does it...again...hello. He just went to the dr on Fri. She says she will call them now and try to figure it out...we'll see.

Mailing packet of profiles and PE

Got my PE done this am. Got to go for blood work next week (waiting for insurance to kick in, had to pay out of pocket today and was told I'd get reimbursed by Ins. co.) sometime with Josh and then await those results, but I got an all clear on my PE form. I saw the NP (Chris)and was very happy with her.

Also, I've got our packet of profiles for the facilitator all ready to go. I am afraid to seal it up as I feel I must have forgot something, but I think it is all set...finally!
I will bring it to the post office this afternoon.

Next is Josh's PE on Friday afternoon and I go get my TB test read then too. He'll need to get his read after as well.

That is our update :O)

Some cleaning tips I want to remember

For stains (baby poop, etc...) Keep a small bucket in laundry room with water, add a good amt. of OxyClean and soak over night.

Spray cleaner:
In spray bottle combine 2T white vinegar & 2T Borax. Dissolve. Fill bottle with hot water. Add 2T liquid dish soap & 29 drops of essential oil.

Learning that Biz works well too.

FYI: Mom came across our Christening gown the other day and I would love to use it for our baby one day. It has some yellow stains around the neck and the white is kind of dingy looking. So I was researching ways to clean it.

So far I got, fill a flat plastic storage container with warm water and soak the gown in it with Biz (I think 1/2C) or OxyClean over night or longer and rinse.

I also read you could lather it with a regular bar of Ivory soap, may need to repeat a few times.

Dissolve Biz and Clorox II in hot water, then add enough cold water to cover the clothing item (about 1/2C of each to 1 - 1 1/2 gallons of water. Let is soak for several days.

Or Clorox Oxygen Action, warm water and a sprinkle of laundry soap and soak for about 15 mins.

Spray on diluted peroxide, also great for blood stains. Let it sit a bit, rinse and repeat to clean.

Reading a lot about "bluing" for whites.

Looking at adoption announcements for fun

I really liked one with a photo and above the photo read Somewhere over the rainbow dreams really do come true...(picture me perfect. need to remember that, lol!)

Also nice,
Born in our hearts
All of God's grace in one little face
Dreams really do come true
Our dream has come true...
Our dreams have come true...
Our hearts whispered your name...and God answered
Our prayers answered through adoption...
The miracle of adoption has touched our family...
We are overjoyed to announce God's gift to our family through the miracle of adoption and journey of hope(faith)...
We will never forget the day (he/she) came into our life...
With full hearts we welcome...
When God made you he had us in mind
We've been blessed by our adoption of...
We chose each other and now our journey begins...
Our family has grown by two feet
Twas the night before Christmas and we were blessed with a gift
Truly a miracle, he/she's a gift from above, with thankful hearts we announce the adoption of
God answered our prayers and gave us a precious little gift
Loving placed in the waiting arms of


My own:
Live, Laugh, Love, Pray and one day... Dreams really do come true

Lovely Adoption Poem

Adoption Journey

A birth mother’s fears
As she ponders your fate,
Your new mother’s tears,
When she first sees your face.

Tears of a child crying alone,
As it waits for new parents,
A new family,
A new home.

That tentative smile;
That shy little grin,
A glimmer of hope
Emerging within.

You were waiting for us,
We were looking for you.
We both needed a family
Our search is now through.

Poetry ©2005 Bodacious Jones

Almost forgot...

We got approved for the agencies sliding fee scale at 50%...Yaaaa!

1 more home study to go (our home visit)

Our home visit is the last of our home study, scheduled for 9-15 in the am. So think of us on this day, please!
We had our last couples home study meeting with our sw last night and our 2nd Aparent class too (How to make Lifebooks).
I needed to make a few changes to our profile (worked on today). I am hoping it is now all set.
Next step is our PE's next week, blood work and then all the results/ PE forms filled out and back to us and then mailed to the agency.
We are hoping all will be said and done, ready for approval by mid 9/08.
I can't believe we've already completed 4 of our 5 home studies, wow! I am so impresses, lol! We have already accomplished so much...it has been a lot of work getting all our paperwork/forms/fingerprints, etc...done and esp. our profile that has been a whole bunch of effort and work in itself.
That's it for now. We keep getting one step closer to waiting :O)

Feelings about our hopes of adoption

I remember sitting and writing a little letter early on when we first started ttc. I prayed I would have the opportunity to one day read my letter to the little baby we'd create. So now I choose to write a different little letter for the little blessing we pray to make our own one day through adoption.

I believe you are out there...I just know...you will be meant for us. We dream and pray for you, we can't wait to become your mommy and daddy. As I lay down to sleep at night I feel you, I don't know where in the world you are or where in the process of being created you are, but I feel you...I know you are my baby. I pray each night for the Lord to lead us together and for you to know how wanted you are and how loved you will be. I already have you growing in my heart and can not wait for the day that we meet you and we make you our own, our magnificent little blessing.

I have gotten so many things for you. I know you don't need most of them, but each and everything I get for you makes me feel you are or will be real. I imagine you dressed in each adorable outfit or wrapped up warmly in all the cozy blankets, wearing each little hat, socks and bibs, spitting up on each little burp cloth, using each little diaper and wipe, caring for your delicate skin with ointments, lotions and washes, massaging you with baby lavender oil massage gel, bathing you in your little tub and wrapping you securely in your little hooded towels, hugging, loving and kissing you, reading you all the many, many books I have already needed to get, feeding you your little bottles, rocking you, offering you your soothing pacifier and watching you sleep in your bassinet in your swaddle me's or later in your crib decorated with ducks and farm animals, you laying on your back looking up at me with love and trust tucked in your warm sleep sack and drifting off to sleep under your mobile and by the peaceful sounds, lights and music of your aquarium crib toy, all the while knowing and feeling just how very much loved you are! Being with you during the night when you cry out in hunger or in need. Only to wake each morning greeted by mommy's smile and loving embrace to start the day anew and enjoy every single minute with you, my sweet baby.

So, when the time is right and we are meant to meet, we will. Patience we must have as GOD has a plan for us and we can not alter that plan for we need to be strong, hopeful, patient and believe. Then we will begin dreaming together of a wonderful life as a family...oneday.

I can't wait to say "finally"!

Some beautiful adoption poems & quotes

Today I kissed an angel
I knew it from the start.
The first time my angel smiled at me;
I gave away my heart.
Today I kissed an angel;
This angel child of mine
Though not of my creation,
My child by God’s design.
Today I kissed an angel.
My heart is dancing wild;
Our family, by a miracle;
Blessed by our angel child.
*********************************
Longing for a child to love,
I’d wish upon the stars above.
In my heart I always knew,
A part of me was meant for you.
I think how happy we will be,
Once I adopt you, and you adopt me.
I dream of all the joy you’ll bring,
Imagining even the littlest things.
The way it will feel to hold you tight,
And tuck you in every night.
The drawings on the refrigerator door,
And childhood toys across the floor.
The favorite stories read again and again,
And hours of games with make-believe friends.
The day you took my outstretched hand,
A journey ended, but our lives began.
Still mesmerized by your sweet face,
Still warmed inside by our first embrace.
I promised to give you a happy home,
And a loving family all your own.
A house you’ve now made complete,
With laughter, smiles, and tiny feet.
A parent is one who guides the way,
Know I will be there everyday.
Rest easy as each night you sleep,
A lifetime of love is yours to keep.
Longing for a child to love,
I’d wish upon the stars above.
In my heart I always knew,
A part of me belonged to you.
~ LABOR OF MY HEART ~~
I would have given anything
to be the one to know
the pain of bringing you into this world
but it couldn’t be.
Though I did not bring you here
still I labored in my tears
through the long nights I prayed
you would come to me.
You are the labor of my heart Child,
you are the labor of my heart
with all my strength I prayed
till they laid you in my arms Child,
you are the labor of my heart.
Blessed be the maker
of bone of other bone.
He made flesh of my desire
and today I take you home.
You are the labor of my heart Child,
you are the labor of my heart
with all my strength I prayed
till they laid you in my arms Child,
you are the labor of my heart Child,
you are the labor of my heart.

Quotes:
“I didn’t give you the gift of life,
But in my heart I know.
The love I feel is deep and real,
As if it had been so.
For us to have each other
Is like a dream come true.
No, I didn’t give you The gift of life,
Life gave me the gift of you.”

“Adoption is when a child grew in its mommy’s heart instead of her tummy.”

“Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone,
but still miraculously my own.
Never forget for a single minute,
you didn’t grow under my heart, but in it.”
– Unknown

Our last couples home study meeting...

Is tonight.
I get more nervous the more meetings we have...I think I am so afraid that at one of the meetings she is just going to say something like we aren't comfortable working with you for some reason, finances or something.
I don't know. I thought I was going to stop this worrying, oh, who am I kidding it is just the beg. of lots of worrying, lol!

We got our fingerprints back...all good! I think we are just waiting on CORI's, I think. We both have our PE's next week. Hope all goes well there and I know we'll both be needing blood work for the adoption.

We have made our decision on the facilitator to work with. I made copies last week of our profile book and now just waiting for the photo for the front and everything else is ready to be mailed in :O) I communicated with her through email and let her know we'll be using her services. I can't wait to get started.

Okay, that's about it for now.
We'll be scheduling our home visit tonight at our meeting. We also have our 2nd Aparent class tonight right after our meeting too.

Till later, Keep on praying...please :O)

Announced to DH's family

We were all together this weekend at Dh brother's house. Saturday evening we celebrated our youngest nephews 2nd birthday and on Sunday we celebrated our 2 MA nephews summer b-days.
So, on Saturday eve. We were all in the kitchen eating cake and ice cream and my mother in law asks us "any good news" she asks us this whenever she sees us(she and my father in law were the only ones on DH's side of the family that know of our plan to adopt)so I look at her like I can't believe you are asking us this and say "nope", she says "sure there is", DH and I look at each other and say "no", then DH says "we aren't expecting if that is what you mean" and from there, I can't recall who said it, DH, my mother in law or myself, but it was announced that we are adopting. I was shocked at the reaction, there was cheering and we got congratulated by everyone. I was so touched that I almost cried. They were all asking us questions and I could barely talk :O) I never would have thought that they would be so happy for us, very happily surprising.
I have read in my adoption books that just because I am not physically carrying a baby, we are expecting a baby and that we shouldn't miss out on special traditions, like announcing the expected baby or a shower, etc... And they gave me the feeling as if I had just told them that I was pregnant and I can't thank them enough for that moment...I will always remember it fondly. So thank you to Helen, my Mother in law for our special announcement and special moment. I can't wait till the day I can introduce our little one to our entire family.

Names

I found out something recently that I did not know. A lot of times the Bmom names the baby, sometimes you come up with a name she accepts, sometimes you agree on a name and sometimes she allows the Aparents to name the baby.

Well, I am awful about names. I think it is due to being a teacher for so long. There are so many names I just would not want our child to have. I know that if the Bmom names the baby something we can't stand, we can always change it, but then you feel that that was something meaningful and really nice, do you want to mess with that?

I know we don't know what our particular situation will be like, but I love talking names :O)

My favorites since the beginning are:
Girl =
Aleigha (not sure of the spelling I'd like yet)
Aleaha
Aleea
Aleya
Alea

Middle name:
Josi
Ruby
Cate
Theresa (pronounce Ter-a-sa)
Teresa

Boy =
Joel
Tyler

Middle name:
William
Joshua
or William Joshua

Bye!

Better things..........

So, we have (ok, mostly I have)been working in the nursery. Yes, I have allowed myself to really believe that things will come.
We set the crib up (that was fun for the two of us) back at the end of July (26th I believe). I have been washing all the clothing, towels, sheets, wash cloths, bibs, blankets, swaddle me's, sleep sacks, stuffed toys, etc... I have been using this sweet lullaby scented detergent by Method and I LOVE it. It makes everything smell so nice :O) And I am a sucker for scents!
A few months ago I painted some wooden farm animals (2 of each, sheep, pig, cow, duckie, rooster and 1 little piece of white picket fence). I hung them up last night over the closet/shelve area...they look cute!
I haven't yet washed the plastic toys (some from the daycare) or the crib set (will need to take it off some time).

I love how everything looks. I am feeling so many feelings, excitement, anticipation, anxiety, hope, fear, worry and happiness.

In all the adoption books I have read, it says that just because we are adopting shouldn't mean that we have to miss out on all the expectant parent stuff. Therefore I am trying to remind myself (even though we don't have official approval till next month...hopefully). I am believing. I walk into the nursery or I just lay in bed at night and think...Is our little one being created or is he or she already created or will he or she come about many months from now? Wonder!!!
It is all that there is in adoption...wonder and hope.

For some strange reason I always felt that ttc would be a challenge for us, I just always felt that feeling, but with this adoption I have the opposite feeling. I feel it is going to come about quickly. I just feel we will be chosen pretty quickly and then it will be a matter of praying with all our might that we actually become his/her parents without any problems.

Adoption profile book

We got our profile book back from the agency yest. I had left it on Mon. with the sw for her and her co sw to look over. I believe it was the other sw who mailed it back. She reminded me to be sure I used a real photo on the cover and not a photocopied one (no pic on there at this point), she wanted me to put the name of our town, how many people live here and its location to/from Boston. I only had 1 sp. error (now instead of know, duh!) and she wanted me to make sure I added for further info call........... on the very last page. She said Nice Job (underlined, he-he!) for the first time!!! No other notes or changes I guess. Hopefully they liked it and thinks it will "work". I know I am very happy with the results of it :O)

I have been worrying, what if we don't get approved? But I am thinking(hate to say assuming) that with them letting me make a profile book and looking it over (instead of saying why don't you hold onto your profile and we'll look at it after the home visit, etc...)That we will be accepted/approved.

Our sw was a little concerned for us about our income being quite a bit less this year due to Josh's lay off for a few months and for me being per diem for the year, but I explained things to her about how we are planning to do things and that things WILL work. I just have this underlying fear (of course I do, I am Jill) that they will think we can't financially do it or that something will come up from the PEs that we aren't healthy enough, yada yada yada!

I know, stop...I keep telling myself stop it and enjoy it. I think I'd be the same way if I were physically expecting. I'd be a worry wart, that is just how I am.

So, next post onto better things :O)

Our individual home studies are done

Well, I did my home study yest. afternoon (1 hr long). Boy, this process can really make you worry. You wonder, what does she think of us? She is a very nice woman, but you don't get any feedback. We talked a little more about facilitators and I also gave her a copy of the profile I made. She and her coworker will read it over and make changes. I really, really like how it turned out so I hope that they are happy with it too. And if any changes, they are minimal.
I received info from 2 other facilitating agencies yest. I am still waiting to speak to the one that the agency recommended to us and the sw said yest. that thinks would be the best one for us. Hopefully she calls me back today so I can obtain some info and get a feel for her.

Our next home study couples meeting is on Mon. August 25th right before our next Aparent class. At this time we will set a date for our home visit...which is the last step in the home study process and after the home visit we will find out if we are approved. Fingers crossed!

We got our fingerprints done this past Sat. Need to get a money order today and mail them off.

Please wish us continued luck in this detailed process and pray with us! Thanks!!

Josh's home study is this evening

Josh has his individual home study today at 4 pm. I emailed her our autobiographies on Tuesday am. Hopefully his meeting goes well.
We had our first Aparents class Monday night. It was very interesting and informative (pregnancy and substance abuse).
I borrowed 3 families adoption profiles to look at and get some ideas. I continued working on ours (up till 12:30/1 am the past week and a half or so). I finally finished the rough draft of it this morning. It is 12 pages long. I need to submit it for critiquing to the agency before making copies. I look forward to seeing it all printed out.
We also have a phone consult this afternoon with an adoption facilitator agency that we have been pre-approved by. It is our chance to speak with them and get any questions answered. Then they'll send us paperwork to fill out and pay the one time fee...yikes!

Well, as always wish us luck!

One home study down, 4 to go

We did it, we had a successful first home study. Our sw is very nice, informative and easy to talk to.
The schedule for our next ones are as follows:
Josh's h. study 7-31-08
My h. study 8-4-08
Our 4th h. study 8-25-08
and at this 4th home study we will schedule our home visit.
We expressed to her our desire to complete the home studies, paperwork, PEs etc...by the beg. of Sept. So we are looking at a possible approval in 9/08. After talking with the sw she stated it did not look like we'd have any problem getting approved. We talked about me having diabetes and all she asked was "how is it going?" So as long as the NP I am seeing for my PE doesn't think anything of it, all should be well with that. I mean come on why would having D keep you from parenting?

We found out from her that there is only about 3-4 adoptions actually from our state each year due to the demographics of either mom's parenting or having abortions.
So we will most likely be ultimately adopting out of state. This holds a big element of surprise...where will we one day be traveling to?
We also found out that we need to network on our own, they do some, but we'd have a better chance at finding a placement if we use the help of a profile service or ultimately a facilitator.
I have been researching these types of options and have narrowed our search down to an adoption center in another state that does networking and outreach all over the US. I filled out an app. online and should hear in 10-14 days or so if we qualify for their services as they usually only take a certain # of families to work with at a time.
The women I spoke with on the phone yest. told me they have more birth mother's then A families right now. She said they state a 3-12 mos wait for placement although most waits for a healthy Caucasian newborn are around 6-14 mos. of course one just can never estimate how long it really will be.

I have to say that adding this service in and obtaining more info from our 1st home study meeting, my head is spinning. There is so much to do and decide on.
We can either do a profile online for of course less $ and see where that takes us or hire a facilitating agency which may speed up the process quite a bit, of course it cost a lot more too and this is my concern. I just want to try and make sure we don't go way over our budget...Yikes!

So we will be figuring things out here for a while.
I need to fill out a financial form for the adoption agency to assess our income/ assets and see if we qualify for reduced fees.

Both Josh and I need to also work on our autobiographies and get them to her by the beg. of next week.

On a happy note, my Dad said yest. "I have a good feeling about this" which makes me feel really happy. He was the first one (besides Josh and I) to think about adoption. Also, I went shopping with my Mom yest. and we happened into Babies R us for outlet covers for our house for our home study and she wanted to pick out a blanket for us to commemorate the begin of our adoption journey. This meant so much to me because I have believed all along, it will happen and having her do that shows me that she now believes too.
GOD please help make all of our dreams for a little one come true.

I can not wait for Josh to become a Daddy, to make my Mom and Dad proud Grandparents, my Grandmother a Great Grandmother again, to make my sister an Aunt again, my Aunt Anne a Great Aunt and of course for me to actually be a Mommy........OMG!!

Please continue to think positive thoughts for us, wish us well and help us pray.
Thank you!

1st home study tom.

The sw called us the day she received our packet (which was the day after sending it). She LM saying she wanted to discuss the next step with us. This was a Tues. She said to call her on Thurs. I called, we spoke and she said they were delighted to receive our application and we scheduled our 1st home study for Tuesday 7-22-08 at 4 pm. Wow!

I am not sure how long the home studies will take (total of 5)1 initial meeting together, 1 with each of us separately, another together and the final one at our home. I guess we'll find out tom. when our next one will be.
We have our first class on Monday 7-28-08 at 7:30 pm.

I finally feel the dis pare of all these difficult months starting to fall behind us. I feel like I am almost normal...Although DH and I may not be able to sit back and say, hey lets start a family and get pregnant (something that I feel hurt and sadness about, something that feels like it has been taken away from us) we can say, lets adopt a baby and will.

We pray that we are accepted and hopefully waiting some time in the early fall.

We both have our physical appt. in the very beg. of Sept. I am hoping that all our visits are done before then and that those appt. end up being all we need to wait for for our final approval.
I can't imagine not being approved...I would see no reason for us not to be.

Therefore I am allowing myself to get excited. I finally feel like a "normal" woman who is planning on expecting some time in the near future (though our miracle will most likely be from adoption). I feel like I can think ahead, look to the positives and stop saying maybe some day we will be parents, maybe some day we'll have a baby. I can't wait to be approved so we can say we are going to be parents, we are going to have a baby. I will be so happy and relieved once this happens and then we will wait till we are chosen, but in the mean time we can register for a shower (like a normal mom and dad to be) and plan for our little ones arrival...what a great day that will be!

Please continue to pray with us that this process goes smoothly and quickly! Thank you to all for your support you give to us. We love you all!

Sending in our application today

Our application packet is finally all ready to be sent. Copies made, papers signed, picture and check included, etc... I am mailing it out today. Yipee!!

I am so very excited about this, but sooooo nervous too!

Please pray with us that this process is smooth, quick and wonderful!!

We'll keep you updated...thanks ;O)

Our ttc and now adoption journey

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

We are starting the process to adopt a baby!!!

I have always wanted to adopt at least one of our children someday. Well, after ttc now without luck, why not start now.

We have made our decision to start our family through adoption. I have contacted all the local agencies, gotten their info and reviewed it all. At first I was feeling discouraged based on a few things like cost, $35-$40,00o, some of the agencies wanted BMI, a health form stating we have average life expectancies (I was worried due to having diabetes), married at least 2 years and one needed proof of infertility. Well, I was discouraged till I got the last packet. It states an average cost of $22,000, wants ht and wt on PE form, but not BMI, can be in a relationship for 2 yrs, health clearance from DR (I asked a sw on the phone about having diabetes, she said that I just need a DR to say I am healthy and managing my diabetes) and I just liked the feel of this agency. So I called for an application and read it over right away when I received it, starting filling it all out and now we just need to both sign everything and notarize some forms, get our PE's and send it all back in. We need to attend 10 evening learning sessions (I believe they are on the 4th Mon of each mos). Then we start the home study process which consists of about 5 interviews (one being in our home as a home review). After our CORI and I think fingerprint stuff comes in and all is reviewed we await approval. Once approved we are then in our "paper pregnancy" and await a match and ultimately placement.

Please, please pray with us that this process goes smoothly and quickly.

I already feel a feeling of relief and excitement. Yes, I am very nervous about it all, but at the same time happy to be able to free myself from all these emotions around ttc and finally give my body and mind a break.

It is in your hands GOD and we believe!

Hoping with all our hearts and praying with all that we are that we will be parents through adoption.

GOD Bless!

4th Clomid cycle finally over

After 60 days there was finally an end to this trying cycle. I started taking soy isoflavones yest. 160 mg a day from cd 3 - cd 7. We'll see what happens.
We also have come to a big decision in our life...........see next post!

Josh is back working in wells/ pumps

He started at a local well co. 3 wks ago. He is loving being back into well work. I am so happy for him. He is beat though. Last Fri. he worked from 6 am to 8:30 pm and made good overtime the other nights too. They have made a few comments about him doing well so that is good. He is a great, dedicated and hard worker.
It has been in the 100's in the sun on Monday and Tues of this wk. with lots of humidity with a heat index of 125 yest. and I think 116 on Mon. It was awful! Today has much less humidity and feels a lot nicer in the high 80's (90 in the sun on the thermometer @ 2:30 pm).

I went and bought a pool on Monday. We have been working on leveling and preparing an area for it the past 2 evenings. Maybe it will get assembled tonight :o) if Joshy gets home at a reasonable time to work on it. It is a metal frame one, 15 x 48. We are getting excited to use it.