Infertility Poems

If god had truly blessed me, then in my arms tonight
I would rock you gently baby, and hold you oh so tight
If god had truly blessed me he'd send from up above
An angel I could hold so tight, and fill your life with love
If life was oh so easy, and everything went right
I'd love you with all I have, and protect you with my all might
But life is not so easy, at times its oh so hard
I sit upon my bed at night, i've cried baby i've cried

Waiting for the Moon



My friend called today

tears in her voice

Her period started

and her dreams for a new baby are postponed

yet another month.



I hold my infant to my breast

eager mouth tugging and pulling

little hands patting and stroking.

My eyes well up with tears.

How many days turned to months turned to years

did I kneel and weep

pressing my hands to my empty womb

rocking on my heels

pleading with cruel fate

"send me a living child?"

My womb wept bright blood tears

as I felt my youth slip away

moon after moon

cycle after cycle

month after month

year after long year

My grief was indescribable

unendurable

mourning a child not yet conceived

only wished for, dreamed of, prayed for.

And then later, mourning the children conceived

but lost in pain and blood and tears.



Moon months, cycle songs, lovemaking, babylonging.

These are the things that defined my young womanhood.

eight years of eternal emptiness

years defined by the Moon

By blood

By hope and by tears.

II

I have not missed those cycles

the moon rising within

the blood that defined my loss and failure.

My life has now become an hourly measure

and rather than by a lunar month

I am

defined by nursing

by a small demanding mouth

by the fullness of my breast

by rich sweet milk that drips from me

and flows life and love to my child.



I will not (cannot) forget, though,

the years my womb wept blood tears,

the months the shards

of grief began as my period started...

Lactating now, my body moves to another vision

another Time.

The moon tides no longer control me

I am bound to the Earth, to the small body

of another, to a warm mouth in the night that nuzzles

and seeks and heals my tattered soul

and pieces my heart together.

Pergonal and modern medicine gave me a child,

but the child at my breast Healed my infertility.

For Tabitha

by Kathryn Miller Ridiman

summer Solstice l995

first published in Midwifery Today

Infertile Poetry

The Childless Mother’s Lullaby
by Ella Rhoads Higginson, 1925

Oh, many’s the time in the evening
When the light has fled o’er the sea,
That I dream alone in the gloaming
Of the joys that are not for me;
And oft in my sorrowful bosom
Swells up the mother-love flame,
And I clasp with my arms that are trembling
My child that never came. . . .

The hours swim on the midnight,
The moon looks over the hill,
And the u-lu-lu of the night owl
Sinks mournfully and shrill;
The solitude aches with rapture,
And my heart with the mother-love flame
As I sing alone in the gloaming
To the child that never came.

From A BOOK OF LULLABIES (Elva S. Smith ed., 1925).

In not such a good way today

For no reason at all or all the reasons in the world I feel sad today.
Just want to cry and be some where else...
I feel such an ache, such an emptiness, such a want, such a desire for a child.
It breaks my heart I can't give my DH, my family or myself a baby.
I am so tired of wanting. I know we were approved for DIA just a little over 1 mos ago, but I have been waiting to be a Mom since we first started TTC, actually technically almost my whole life. My life goal (sad goal to some I am sure)was to meet a wonderful man and marry him, have babies and be a stay at home mom. I just see the whole mom ideas slipping further away.
I have had this crazy idea that we'd be matched quickly, but so have others who have waited for a year or more :o( I feel like yet again I am fooling myself.

And I worry so much about everything. My family, DH, DH's job, money, etc...

I so badly want to stop the worry and live in the day...I just feel like until my ultimate goal is complete and I can experience the joy of a child and of being a Mom I will continue in this cycle and cont. to feel such sadness and emptiness.

Thanks for listening today!

Some days I just get lost inside myself and I know that is where I am today...I need and will pull myself back out.

Life is as good as we make it. I have a wonderful family and awesome DH. Things are the way they are now and there are never any guarantees about what you have or that things will ever get better. So I will vow to live my life, the life I have for all that it is worth. I will have to have patience with what it is I pray for and believe in God's work and blessings.

4th Aparent class last night

1st class: Substance abuse and pregnancy in Bmoms.
2nd class: Making Lifebooks
3rd class: Open adoptions
4th class: Bmoms speak

Audrey is laid to rest today

Audrey will be laid to rest toady at 11 am at the cemetery in her and our home town. She grew up in this town, funny to think that. I always pictured her from Maine. Imagining her as a little girl running around her house that is up by the lake her in town seems hard to do. The circle of life...
I am glad I'll be able to attend this service as I had to work when they held a very nice service for her in Maine after she passed away. My A. Anne won't be coming down, it is too hard for her to make the trip, she has really bad/ painful knees, very sad! Audrey's niece will be bringing her ashes down and there will be some readings and we'll all gather for lunch after.
I miss you, Audrey. You truly were like an aunt to me and I wish I could go back 15 years, sit and talk with you and give you a hug. The things we think of after and don't stop to think about at the time, when they really matter.
I know you always enjoyed going out to eat and will remember you fondly today as we finally lay your ashes to rest with your mother and father and we celebrate your life.
God Bless!

Got our official approval letter

Yay! We just got our approval letter today...making it official :O) It is in writing and we are approved as pre adoptive parents, wahooo!

Thoughts, dreams, prayers

One day you will be ours, our chosen child.
God has chosen you for us, we just don't know it yet. You may be just a thought in the wind...not even come to be as of yet. You may be the worry on another woman's mind or the fear in a teenager's heart.

When it's time for our paths to cross, the world will feel like it has stood still. I can't imagine the joy we will feel, like we are the only ones in the whole world that have ever felt such happiness and love...for this I pray, for you I pray.

I wonder what you'll be like, will you be a boy or girl? Will we get to name you? Will we be there to see you born? Will we be able to be sure you are truly ours without doubt, without worry. Will your birth mom feel such gladness and relief that she has chosen us that she sticks with her decision, signs the papers and we can be a forever family, will it be?
Will we ever be this lucky???

I have this wonderful vision in my head and am fearful, what if it doesn't come true!?
I see your Daddy and I walking out of the plane and out to our family(ies)waiting with open arms and hearts with you, our tiny miracle secure in your car seat all dressed nicely in your coming home outfit with your lap covered in a beautiful white blanket. I see the smiles, the tears, the hugs and can feel the love.
You get to be held by and meet everyone. They love you! You are adorable, perfect in every way...
After sharing you with everyone, we are home alone together, Daddy, you and me, we just lay next to you and watch you, take all of you in. Afraid if we were to close our eyes you won't be there when we open them. I want to be reminded you are there, by comforting your cries during the night, feeding and cuddling with you. You are ours and home with us where you are meant to be. The start to our little family...

This is the dream that fills my mind and heart and with every ounce of who I am I pray my heart out to GOD each and every day over and over again that this dream will come true. That we will be blessed with a miracle.

Please GOD hear our prayers!

Feelings...

Today as I watch adoption videos online, I cry. I feel so many feelings, happiness and joy for all the families who have gotten their miracles. And, such sadness that we can't choose when and how to have a child, we can't have a child on our own, anger that we have no control over our own destiny.
I believe GOD has a plan and that is what keeps me strong.
I pray one day, we can be a happy family that welcomed a miracle into our lives.

Blessed Peace
The greatest peace
I've ever known
I found in troubled times
For when I put my trust in God
He eased my troubled mind.

-Dolores Karides

Miscarriage and Infant Loss Remeberance Day

Is tomorrow (October 15th). If everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it lit for 1 hr...there will be a continuous wave of light over the world...that our angels can all see when looking down from heaven.

Just got monthly update from Facilitator

I emailed her last night to do a "check in" as yest. put us at the one mos. mark waiting.
She just responded that it has been slow, slower then usual (not usually this slow till around Thanksgiving). They have done 2 placements this mos. One was AA and one Hispanic. They have one more they are working with currently.
Bummer!
I don't know what I expected to hear, but unfortunately this wasn't it.
I have such hope and I am so afraid to start getting sad and discouraged with each passing month like while ttc. It just hit me hard and I broke down and cried.
I pray I can keep up the strength to stay hopeful and strong as we continue to wait.
Pleas GOD help us to be strong! And help our situation come along soon. Please GOD!

Adoptive nursing

I know this can be a controversial topic and I'll admit when I first read about it I though come on, why would you want/need to breast feed an adopted baby.

So, over the past few months the thought has been in my mind and I have kept thinking about it.
I personally am not keen on the idea of b.feeding in general, I know it is wonderful for a baby, but I just don't feel it is for me.
While ttc I had thought about b.feeding and had decided I "might" try it, but I would have been more willing to pump. I am big on bottles and both parents feeding baby and by pumping baby would still be getting the benefits of BM.

Well, I am now thinking I'd like to try and induce lactation so I can pump BM for our future adopted baby. I know this sounds strange to some, so let me explain...

I feel nutritionally it would be a great benefit for baby and also a selfish reason for me would be the fact that I feel I have no hand in creating our baby. I feel like that part of me was taken away, but maybe, just maybe I can create the milk baby would need. That thought makes me feel really good...I could fill baby with my milk, part of me, nutrition to grow from me...I may not have been able to create our little baby, but I can try and create milk to help he/she be who they will be all by using/taking a small, but very beneficial part of me.

I would be interested in exclusively pumping and storing BM and no problem with also using formula too. I am not going to go BM crazy and only want baby to nurse or only take BM.
I just want to see if maybe I can be successful in producing something so important for a little one. And if I am successful in my trial I hope to be able to pump and store many precious ounces for our future baby.

I have been researching this subject and finding both positive and negative. Not too much info out there, but I know it can be done. It takes a lot of determination and darn it, I got that.

Basically what I am finding is that you need a good strong (preferably hospital grade breast pump)and you need to try and pump multiple times per day both sides at the same time. There are herbs that help milk production too.

I am a bit nervous, esp. with no baby in sight yet, but they say start months in advance to build up a supply.
EX: A women pumped every 4 hrs, took Fenugreek and Blessed Thistle (multiple tablets per day) and started producing small amounts of milk at the end of 2 wks. and 2 ounces to store after 2 months).

I have also read that it may bother the birth mom to know you want to do this, although honestly I can't see why. It is in the best interest for the child and you will be doing everything else for and deciding on everything else you want to do for them for the rest of their life. I would think it shows love, determination, hope and care for the baby.

I want to try it! I want to see if my body can and will do it!

I figure I have the time during the day to dedicate to it and like I said, I am determined to do it.
I have been researching pumps and narrowed it down to a few I am interested in, granted they are not hospital grade, but they are double and well recommended.
I am watching a few on Ebay and want to look further into the herbs too.

I also feel like doing this makes me feel proactive in a process that I really have no control over at all. I can make the best of the months that we wait and see if my body can do something right and produce something so beneficial for a small growing baby. I just feel like it would be an amazing feeling to know that I can supply such nourishment and again, a little part of me to our future baby.

So, those are my thoughts I wanted to share :o)


Update: Ocotber 17, 2008

I have decided against this for now. The more I read the more I see that this is a big deal breaker (sadly) for many Bmoms.
I also decided (at least for now) that I do not want the constant pumping (every few hours) to be a constant reminder of how I long for our little one. I have run my life by testing my BS every few hours and cutting back to testing 3 -5 times a day (per my DR)instead of 10+ while ttc and it feels good to get my life back, away from watching the hours on the clock. Maybe when our baby is in sight I may feel differently. I would still love to be able to feed a part of me to our baby, but for now I will put this thought out of my mind and maybe revisit it another time.

1 mos waiting today

We are at the one month mark and still waiting patiently for something :o)

3 weeks waiting today

I feel good. Went to a yard sale yest. and bought a Kelty Kids (really cool) back pack carrier, door way jumper and a few small toys.
I am feeling relaxed the past few days, not wondering when or thinking too much, not worrying...just praying.
God Bless!