In not such a good way today

For no reason at all or all the reasons in the world I feel sad today.
Just want to cry and be some where else...
I feel such an ache, such an emptiness, such a want, such a desire for a child.
It breaks my heart I can't give my DH, my family or myself a baby.
I am so tired of wanting. I know we were approved for DIA just a little over 1 mos ago, but I have been waiting to be a Mom since we first started TTC, actually technically almost my whole life. My life goal (sad goal to some I am sure)was to meet a wonderful man and marry him, have babies and be a stay at home mom. I just see the whole mom ideas slipping further away.
I have had this crazy idea that we'd be matched quickly, but so have others who have waited for a year or more :o( I feel like yet again I am fooling myself.

And I worry so much about everything. My family, DH, DH's job, money, etc...

I so badly want to stop the worry and live in the day...I just feel like until my ultimate goal is complete and I can experience the joy of a child and of being a Mom I will continue in this cycle and cont. to feel such sadness and emptiness.

Thanks for listening today!

Some days I just get lost inside myself and I know that is where I am today...I need and will pull myself back out.

Life is as good as we make it. I have a wonderful family and awesome DH. Things are the way they are now and there are never any guarantees about what you have or that things will ever get better. So I will vow to live my life, the life I have for all that it is worth. I will have to have patience with what it is I pray for and believe in God's work and blessings.

4th Aparent class last night

1st class: Substance abuse and pregnancy in Bmoms.
2nd class: Making Lifebooks
3rd class: Open adoptions
4th class: Bmoms speak

Audrey is laid to rest today

Audrey will be laid to rest toady at 11 am at the cemetery in her and our home town. She grew up in this town, funny to think that. I always pictured her from Maine. Imagining her as a little girl running around her house that is up by the lake her in town seems hard to do. The circle of life...
I am glad I'll be able to attend this service as I had to work when they held a very nice service for her in Maine after she passed away. My A. Anne won't be coming down, it is too hard for her to make the trip, she has really bad/ painful knees, very sad! Audrey's niece will be bringing her ashes down and there will be some readings and we'll all gather for lunch after.
I miss you, Audrey. You truly were like an aunt to me and I wish I could go back 15 years, sit and talk with you and give you a hug. The things we think of after and don't stop to think about at the time, when they really matter.
I know you always enjoyed going out to eat and will remember you fondly today as we finally lay your ashes to rest with your mother and father and we celebrate your life.
God Bless!

Got our official approval letter

Yay! We just got our approval letter today...making it official :O) It is in writing and we are approved as pre adoptive parents, wahooo!

Thoughts, dreams, prayers

One day you will be ours, our chosen child.
God has chosen you for us, we just don't know it yet. You may be just a thought in the wind...not even come to be as of yet. You may be the worry on another woman's mind or the fear in a teenager's heart.

When it's time for our paths to cross, the world will feel like it has stood still. I can't imagine the joy we will feel, like we are the only ones in the whole world that have ever felt such happiness and love...for this I pray, for you I pray.

I wonder what you'll be like, will you be a boy or girl? Will we get to name you? Will we be there to see you born? Will we be able to be sure you are truly ours without doubt, without worry. Will your birth mom feel such gladness and relief that she has chosen us that she sticks with her decision, signs the papers and we can be a forever family, will it be?
Will we ever be this lucky???

I have this wonderful vision in my head and am fearful, what if it doesn't come true!?
I see your Daddy and I walking out of the plane and out to our family(ies)waiting with open arms and hearts with you, our tiny miracle secure in your car seat all dressed nicely in your coming home outfit with your lap covered in a beautiful white blanket. I see the smiles, the tears, the hugs and can feel the love.
You get to be held by and meet everyone. They love you! You are adorable, perfect in every way...
After sharing you with everyone, we are home alone together, Daddy, you and me, we just lay next to you and watch you, take all of you in. Afraid if we were to close our eyes you won't be there when we open them. I want to be reminded you are there, by comforting your cries during the night, feeding and cuddling with you. You are ours and home with us where you are meant to be. The start to our little family...

This is the dream that fills my mind and heart and with every ounce of who I am I pray my heart out to GOD each and every day over and over again that this dream will come true. That we will be blessed with a miracle.

Please GOD hear our prayers!

Feelings...

Today as I watch adoption videos online, I cry. I feel so many feelings, happiness and joy for all the families who have gotten their miracles. And, such sadness that we can't choose when and how to have a child, we can't have a child on our own, anger that we have no control over our own destiny.
I believe GOD has a plan and that is what keeps me strong.
I pray one day, we can be a happy family that welcomed a miracle into our lives.

Blessed Peace
The greatest peace
I've ever known
I found in troubled times
For when I put my trust in God
He eased my troubled mind.

-Dolores Karides

Miscarriage and Infant Loss Remeberance Day

Is tomorrow (October 15th). If everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it lit for 1 hr...there will be a continuous wave of light over the world...that our angels can all see when looking down from heaven.