Different

Everything will be forever different...a positive hpt, although exciting will bring fear and worry, the announcement of it will be cautious and worrisome...forever I will feel different feelings, not able to get excited and jump up and down like so many women do. I will just stare in disbelief like the first time and then I was actually innocent about it. Now I know what can happen and will be so fearful.
I feel all that joy will be forever taken away. I pray I am wrong and when the time comes I can be joyous, happy and believe...that maybe, just maybe this one will be the one.
The sadness inside me right now is strong. I feel so broken, like my heart has been torn out. After our m/c the hope of another pregnancy kept me going, then an annovulatory cycle, just wished it passed so we could start another Clomid cycle. Then Clomid #2 turned out negative and with a short 10 long LP...what the heck. I put so much heart and faith into this cycle being the one. Then onto Clomid #3 and again, put in heart and soul, late O probably due to fever/flu I had, lots of bd and I mean lots even while sick, cause I was afraid we'd miss out on the day if we skipped one and I wanted FF to show me that we bd all that week = a high reading just like our Dec cycle. Now 9 dpo in Clomid cycle #3, my temps nose dived this am and here I am discouraged and sad yet again, preparing myself for another dip tom. and AF arrival. I caved today and took a HPT = BFN of course (though on an IC I keep thinking, I see something...come on Jill...give up already).
Speaking of giving up...I feel I need to. Maybe not entirely, but mostly. I am so tired of living my life by cycles and in 2 week incriments always waiting for O or AF or a BFP or for AF to be over, ya know?
I don't know just how I am going to let go, or in which way, but I know I need to do something different. I can't keep focusing on something I really have no control over. It will happen or it won't.
I am really feeling the empitness and sadness of our m/c. The feeling of what could have been. I have a feeling I will be starting my 4th Clomid cycle soon and that is my last refill. I am not sure what will be next. I was so sure Clomid would do it for us, esp. after our first round. Maybe we need to stick with it, maybe we need to move on to injectables. I just don't know.

I pray GOD helps me figure out the answers here of what I need to do. Please GOD help me through this. I am really struggling and need your help. I know you are there for me, but I just need an extra boost of support and help.

I want to create our miracle so bad and can't help but wonder, was that our only chance and it is now gone.

TTC just feels so different now with a feeling of struggling, sadness, fear, worry and loneliness/emptiness.

Lord I pray to you...please hear my prayer.