Feelings

As the cycles pass by without any news. The loss we've had keeps coming back to me. I miss what was and what was going to be.
I read something today (and put it into my own words), I know I didn't loose a "baby", but a dream of the future. This sums up the way I feel about it...exactly. That bfp was our dream come true and was going to be our future. Suddenly that changed and "why"?? is all I can keep asking. I know there are no answers besides this child was not meant to be.

As time goes on I find that the hurt and emotions run strong. When it happened I could deal with it, it hurt really bad physically at the time as well as emotionally, but I wanted to push on and start Clomid again and prayed with every ounce of who I am for a miracle to happen again. I am now on my 4th round of Clomid and trying desperately to keep believing. Though at times I want to just give up.

I never would have thought that this would still hurt so much...it actually feels more true with time, like it has sunk in...that it is over, but I want it back...and I can't.

Our dream of a 2008 baby is over. We are onto praying for 2009 now. Lord hear our prayers!

One very hard thing now is the clothing I had bought when I was expecting. I actually walked into a consignment store and bought seasonal outfits for the child I thought we'd have...the one that was going to be our future.
I have bought lots of outfits in the past...all waiting for the day they can be used. Unisex yellows and greens, basic usable things, but the seasonal stuff I bought bothers me so. I picked out my first Halloween stuff, Thanksgiving outfits and a bunch of Christmas stuff...even a little Santa suit with a hat and red and white boots. This stuff won't be used now and seeing it eats away at me. I also put away all my maternity stuff that I was so excited about.
As the months and cycles wear on...the pain of what we lost only seems to get stronger. I hope and pray that we are able to experience a sticky baby miracle in the near future and although we'll never forget our experience of our little peanut, we may be able to move on.

I have to admit I am getting scared that Clomid may not help us again. I can't imagine why it wouldn't...maybe DH...hopefully not.

Please continue to pray with us!

Thank you!!