)
As the cycles pass by without any news. The loss we've had keeps coming back to me. I miss what was and what was going to be.
I read something today (and put it into my own words), I know I didn't loose a "baby", but a dream of the future. This sums up the way I feel about it...exactly. That bfp was our dream come true and was going to be our future. Suddenly that changed and "why"?? is all I can keep asking. I know there are no answers besides this child was not meant to be.
As time goes on I find that the hurt and emotions run strong. When it happened I could deal with it, it hurt really bad physically at the time as well as emotionally, but I wanted to push on and start Clomid again and prayed with every ounce of who I am for a miracle to happen again. I am now on my 4th round of Clomid and trying desperately to keep believing. Though at times I want to just give up.
I never would have thought that this would still hurt so much...it actually feels more true with time, like it has sunk in...that it is over, but I want it back...and I can't.
Our dream of a 2008 baby is over. We are onto praying for 2009 now. Lord hear our prayers!
One very hard thing now is the clothing I had bought when I was expecting. I actually walked into a consignment store and bought seasonal outfits for the child I thought we'd have...the one that was going to be our future.
I have bought lots of outfits in the past...all waiting for the day they can be used. Unisex yellows and greens, basic usable things, but the seasonal stuff I bought bothers me so. I picked out my first Halloween stuff, Thanksgiving outfits and a bunch of Christmas stuff...even a little Santa suit with a hat and red and white boots. This stuff won't be used now and seeing it eats away at me. I also put away all my maternity stuff that I was so excited about.
As the months and cycles wear on...the pain of what we lost only seems to get stronger. I hope and pray that we are able to experience a sticky baby miracle in the near future and although we'll never forget our experience of our little peanut, we may be able to move on.
I have to admit I am getting scared that Clomid may not help us again. I can't imagine why it wouldn't...maybe DH...hopefully not.
Please continue to pray with us!
Thank you!!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
On to 4th round of Clomid
So I had another short 9 day long LP (Dr not concerned about it, she says if you got pg it would be longer and that my prog. has been great so keep trying).
I started taking my 4th round of Clomid this am. I was thinking of switching it up a bit and take it cd 3-7, but I didn't get it from the pharmacy till yest. afternoon and I have been taking it in the am w/out s/e so I want to cont. to do that. So I moved it up from cd 5-9 to cd 4-8. My Dr said she only likes to do 6 cycled of Clomid and said I can do a few more. I told her DH recently started a new job and we'll be getting new ins. in about 90 days so hopefully that will cover some fertility stuff unlike our current ins. She reminded me that DH needs a s/a done and I could do an HSG (these two things are always in the back of my mind). She only goes as far as Clomid so for injects. and other treatments I will need to go to an infertility clinic. She did remind me not to get discouraged because even though I am taking Clomid it is still a 1 in 5 chance of getting pg each cycle. Oh, I am really praying that we have luck on the Clomid. I really don't want to go to an infertility clinic...I know no woman does, but I just never thought it would go this far or be this challenging.
Please help us GOD!
I started taking my 4th round of Clomid this am. I was thinking of switching it up a bit and take it cd 3-7, but I didn't get it from the pharmacy till yest. afternoon and I have been taking it in the am w/out s/e so I want to cont. to do that. So I moved it up from cd 5-9 to cd 4-8. My Dr said she only likes to do 6 cycled of Clomid and said I can do a few more. I told her DH recently started a new job and we'll be getting new ins. in about 90 days so hopefully that will cover some fertility stuff unlike our current ins. She reminded me that DH needs a s/a done and I could do an HSG (these two things are always in the back of my mind). She only goes as far as Clomid so for injects. and other treatments I will need to go to an infertility clinic. She did remind me not to get discouraged because even though I am taking Clomid it is still a 1 in 5 chance of getting pg each cycle. Oh, I am really praying that we have luck on the Clomid. I really don't want to go to an infertility clinic...I know no woman does, but I just never thought it would go this far or be this challenging.
Please help us GOD!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Different
Everything will be forever different...a positive hpt, although exciting will bring fear and worry, the announcement of it will be cautious and worrisome...forever I will feel different feelings, not able to get excited and jump up and down like so many women do. I will just stare in disbelief like the first time and then I was actually innocent about it. Now I know what can happen and will be so fearful.
I feel all that joy will be forever taken away. I pray I am wrong and when the time comes I can be joyous, happy and believe...that maybe, just maybe this one will be the one.
The sadness inside me right now is strong. I feel so broken, like my heart has been torn out. After our m/c the hope of another pregnancy kept me going, then an annovulatory cycle, just wished it passed so we could start another Clomid cycle. Then Clomid #2 turned out negative and with a short 10 long LP...what the heck. I put so much heart and faith into this cycle being the one. Then onto Clomid #3 and again, put in heart and soul, late O probably due to fever/flu I had, lots of bd and I mean lots even while sick, cause I was afraid we'd miss out on the day if we skipped one and I wanted FF to show me that we bd all that week = a high reading just like our Dec cycle. Now 9 dpo in Clomid cycle #3, my temps nose dived this am and here I am discouraged and sad yet again, preparing myself for another dip tom. and AF arrival. I caved today and took a HPT = BFN of course (though on an IC I keep thinking, I see something...come on Jill...give up already).
Speaking of giving up...I feel I need to. Maybe not entirely, but mostly. I am so tired of living my life by cycles and in 2 week incriments always waiting for O or AF or a BFP or for AF to be over, ya know?
I don't know just how I am going to let go, or in which way, but I know I need to do something different. I can't keep focusing on something I really have no control over. It will happen or it won't.
I am really feeling the empitness and sadness of our m/c. The feeling of what could have been. I have a feeling I will be starting my 4th Clomid cycle soon and that is my last refill. I am not sure what will be next. I was so sure Clomid would do it for us, esp. after our first round. Maybe we need to stick with it, maybe we need to move on to injectables. I just don't know.
I pray GOD helps me figure out the answers here of what I need to do. Please GOD help me through this. I am really struggling and need your help. I know you are there for me, but I just need an extra boost of support and help.
I want to create our miracle so bad and can't help but wonder, was that our only chance and it is now gone.
TTC just feels so different now with a feeling of struggling, sadness, fear, worry and loneliness/emptiness.
Lord I pray to you...please hear my prayer.
I feel all that joy will be forever taken away. I pray I am wrong and when the time comes I can be joyous, happy and believe...that maybe, just maybe this one will be the one.
The sadness inside me right now is strong. I feel so broken, like my heart has been torn out. After our m/c the hope of another pregnancy kept me going, then an annovulatory cycle, just wished it passed so we could start another Clomid cycle. Then Clomid #2 turned out negative and with a short 10 long LP...what the heck. I put so much heart and faith into this cycle being the one. Then onto Clomid #3 and again, put in heart and soul, late O probably due to fever/flu I had, lots of bd and I mean lots even while sick, cause I was afraid we'd miss out on the day if we skipped one and I wanted FF to show me that we bd all that week = a high reading just like our Dec cycle. Now 9 dpo in Clomid cycle #3, my temps nose dived this am and here I am discouraged and sad yet again, preparing myself for another dip tom. and AF arrival. I caved today and took a HPT = BFN of course (though on an IC I keep thinking, I see something...come on Jill...give up already).
Speaking of giving up...I feel I need to. Maybe not entirely, but mostly. I am so tired of living my life by cycles and in 2 week incriments always waiting for O or AF or a BFP or for AF to be over, ya know?
I don't know just how I am going to let go, or in which way, but I know I need to do something different. I can't keep focusing on something I really have no control over. It will happen or it won't.
I am really feeling the empitness and sadness of our m/c. The feeling of what could have been. I have a feeling I will be starting my 4th Clomid cycle soon and that is my last refill. I am not sure what will be next. I was so sure Clomid would do it for us, esp. after our first round. Maybe we need to stick with it, maybe we need to move on to injectables. I just don't know.
I pray GOD helps me figure out the answers here of what I need to do. Please GOD help me through this. I am really struggling and need your help. I know you are there for me, but I just need an extra boost of support and help.
I want to create our miracle so bad and can't help but wonder, was that our only chance and it is now gone.
TTC just feels so different now with a feeling of struggling, sadness, fear, worry and loneliness/emptiness.
Lord I pray to you...please hear my prayer.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Finally O on cd 22 and 23
I guess the flu/fever I had the week of the 1st really pushed out my O date. I finally got peaks on my FM this past weekend. Of course not knowing when I was going to O we have been BD straight through from cd 10 till today at cd 24 (got to get tonight in for good measure and maybe even tom.) and actually we even started before that too...okay, time for a break, LOL!
I was hoping to be able to test by Josh's b-day on the 20th, but I guess due to O so much later that will be too early now. Oh well, what will be will be, right?
I am feeling quite crampy (some sharp this am at the market)with lots of cm today (wet/ew). Just need to get some more temps into FF for it to confirm my O day.
We are praying real hard...still! Wish us luck :O)
BTW Josh started a FT job today as a service tech for pool/ spa pumps, etc... I pray that too all works out for him and us.
God Bless!!
I was hoping to be able to test by Josh's b-day on the 20th, but I guess due to O so much later that will be too early now. Oh well, what will be will be, right?
I am feeling quite crampy (some sharp this am at the market)with lots of cm today (wet/ew). Just need to get some more temps into FF for it to confirm my O day.
We are praying real hard...still! Wish us luck :O)
BTW Josh started a FT job today as a service tech for pool/ spa pumps, etc... I pray that too all works out for him and us.
God Bless!!
Monday, March 31, 2008
Cd 10 of round 3 of Clomid
Finished my last Clomid pill yest. am. No s/e so far :O)I will wait till Wed. cd 12 to start the FM (should wait 3 days after last pill for accuracy) and will also start our run of BD then too. I am anxious to see when I O this cycle. Based on LMP if we conceive this cycle our due date would be 12-27-08...so this is our chance for a Christmas baby and our last chance for a 2008 baby. Good luck to us!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Starting 3rd round of Clomid tomorrow
3-26-08.
OB thinks my progesterone number is good and doesn't think I need to add more progesterone. She wants to see what this cycle is like and go from there. Okay, so here's hoping for positive results...yet again!
OB thinks my progesterone number is good and doesn't think I need to add more progesterone. She wants to see what this cycle is like and go from there. Okay, so here's hoping for positive results...yet again!
Saturday, March 22, 2008
11 dpo big temp dip
I guess we are out this cycle! I had a temp dip yest. with strong cramping from 5 am to 1pm. I told myself that maybe my temp would go back up today and maybe it was implantation. Well my temp went down even lower today (97.95). I really thought Clomid would work for us this 2nd round. Now I am so scared that it won't work. Why didn't it this time? I just feel so sad right now. I did so good this cycle with not obsessing and not being emotional and now my heart is broken. This is all I wanted for Easter and I didn't get it.
I never ever could have imagined it would be so hard to create our little one.
GOD I beg of you to help us...please...please...please! We need your help!! I can't believe we will be onto round 3 of Clomid soon. I have now lost hope that it will even work for us again. I feel so hurt...like I can't do this anymore, but then I will never give us what it is that we want...so I need to get going. Lord please give me the strength and courage. Thank you for the gift of my wonderful and supportive DH, Josh and my whole family. I couldn't do this without them. GOD Bless all of us!
I never ever could have imagined it would be so hard to create our little one.
GOD I beg of you to help us...please...please...please! We need your help!! I can't believe we will be onto round 3 of Clomid soon. I have now lost hope that it will even work for us again. I feel so hurt...like I can't do this anymore, but then I will never give us what it is that we want...so I need to get going. Lord please give me the strength and courage. Thank you for the gift of my wonderful and supportive DH, Josh and my whole family. I couldn't do this without them. GOD Bless all of us!
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