We are starting the process to adopt a baby!!!

I have always wanted to adopt at least one of our children someday. Well, after ttc now without luck, why not start now.

We have made our decision to start our family through adoption. I have contacted all the local agencies, gotten their info and reviewed it all. At first I was feeling discouraged based on a few things like cost, $35-$40,00o, some of the agencies wanted BMI, a health form stating we have average life expectancies (I was worried due to having diabetes), married at least 2 years and one needed proof of infertility. Well, I was discouraged till I got the last packet. It states an average cost of $22,000, wants ht and wt on PE form, but not BMI, can be in a relationship for 2 yrs, health clearance from DR (I asked a sw on the phone about having diabetes, she said that I just need a DR to say I am healthy and managing my diabetes) and I just liked the feel of this agency. So I called for an application and read it over right away when I received it, starting filling it all out and now we just need to both sign everything and notarize some forms, get our PE's and send it all back in. We need to attend 10 evening learning sessions (I believe they are on the 4th Mon of each mos). Then we start the home study process which consists of about 5 interviews (one being in our home as a home review). After our CORI and I think fingerprint stuff comes in and all is reviewed we await approval. Once approved we are then in our "paper pregnancy" and await a match and ultimately placement.

Please, please pray with us that this process goes smoothly and quickly.

I already feel a feeling of relief and excitement. Yes, I am very nervous about it all, but at the same time happy to be able to free myself from all these emotions around ttc and finally give my body and mind a break.

It is in your hands GOD and we believe!

Hoping with all our hearts and praying with all that we are that we will be parents through adoption.

GOD Bless!

4th Clomid cycle finally over

After 60 days there was finally an end to this trying cycle. I started taking soy isoflavones yest. 160 mg a day from cd 3 - cd 7. We'll see what happens.
We also have come to a big decision in our life...........see next post!

Josh is back working in wells/ pumps

He started at a local well co. 3 wks ago. He is loving being back into well work. I am so happy for him. He is beat though. Last Fri. he worked from 6 am to 8:30 pm and made good overtime the other nights too. They have made a few comments about him doing well so that is good. He is a great, dedicated and hard worker.
It has been in the 100's in the sun on Monday and Tues of this wk. with lots of humidity with a heat index of 125 yest. and I think 116 on Mon. It was awful! Today has much less humidity and feels a lot nicer in the high 80's (90 in the sun on the thermometer @ 2:30 pm).

I went and bought a pool on Monday. We have been working on leveling and preparing an area for it the past 2 evenings. Maybe it will get assembled tonight :o) if Joshy gets home at a reasonable time to work on it. It is a metal frame one, 15 x 48. We are getting excited to use it.

Ovulated on cd 48

Geesh! So much for Clomid. I feel like I just threw it out the window this cycle instead of actually taking it. I really felt O strongly around cd 48 and got what looked like peaks on my monitor test sticks. I also tried a saliva microscope too and actually saw ferning on cd 48 and partial ferning on cd 47 so...any hope on an old egg. Probably not. Strangely too, my temp isn't really rising either. I know for sure I did O though. And we BD as should.
I was feeling so broken not Oing for 48 days, geepers! Now I am praying that was a fluke. I will be trying soy this next cycle.

I have really been thinking about adoption recently, specifically domestic adoption and have obtained lots of info from local adoption agencies and boy even that is discouraging. $35,000 to over $40,000 to adopt and a few state you need to be married at least 24 mos before submitting an app. or that you attend church regularly and that you get a written letter from the church stating that or taht you are in good physical condition with an average life expectancy (I get this, but am worried about what they'll think of me having diabetes). Also on the PE form it asks for BMI, okay, why do they need that? Another agency states that you have to be medically infertile. I just am amazed that there are so many stipulations.

I have this feeling I will be onto IUI and/or injects at an infertility clinic in the near future, but if IVF is needed I can't do it because my BMI is higher then they recommend it being.

I just feel like it is all stacked up against me...what is it that I can do?...nothing. I feel lost and helpless.

I just keep praying each and every day that we create a miracle!

God Bless us !

CD 25 and no O in sight

My FM has been reading all lows still. It feels like I just threw the Clomid out the window...guess it isn't working for me anymore :O(

I am trying to not think about it and just be and go on.

Trying to stay positive that something will work and some day we'll gt what we've been working so hard for.

BTW: Josh's new job did not work out. He has one week left and he's done...his boss was an ass to him and tried to push him out. So he's looking yet again.

I pray with all my heart that he finds a good job, one he loves and they want to hold on to him. He is such a hard worker, so dedicated, ambitious and willing...I don't get it. I feel so sad for him.

Please GOD bless us with a steady/ good job for Josh and a miracle for both of us.

All our Love!

Clomid cycle 4 update

On cd 15 and monitor is reading low...dark, dark R line (means low estrogen), my temp has been getting lower too and I am not feeling much if any achiness in my ovary area. I don't get it...I do not understand my body at all and it is so very frustrating. I have been researching soy isoflavones and how they compare to Clomid. I only have 2 refills left on Clomid and seeing how it seems to be do less and less for me I am thinking of taking a break next cycle and doing soy isoflavones instead...some claim that they work like Clomid. You take approx. 150, 160 or 200 mg each day either cd 1-5, 2-6, 3-7 or 5-9 (no flaxseed with it). The earlier you take it the earlier it is supposed to help you O. I am thinking I'll start it right around cd 1 or 2 and see what happens.
Funny thing is today I had just remembered that months back, December time frame. I was drinking lots of soy milk and strangely that is the month that we got our one and only bfp...coincidence?? I stopped drinking the soy milk...no particular reason, but I am going to start again. It has 33 mg of soy isoflavones in 8 oz. Maybe it'll help...it can't hurt to try it.
I have been taking so many supplements this cycle...I am getting sick of it. I take my usual 5 or so vitamins/supps. and also have been taking 2 green tea extract BID, 1 red rasp. leaf BID, 1 EPO (Evening Primrose Oil) BID, 1 Mucinex BID, drinking lots of iced green tea (to the point of having to pee like crazy) and also been trying to snack on baby carrots.

I will update when/if I O this cycle. I am not holding out much hope. I am at least excited to try the soy next cycle and will pray that helps me O. I guess I just have been feeling so discouraged because it seems the Clomid is not helping me like it did that first and second cycle and I had so much hope and faith that it would work for us and seeing as it/my body isn't cooperating...I haven't had much hope to hold on to. I am fearing we will need to go the infertility route...praying that is not the case.
I just figured it out the other day (if my calculations are accurate)that this is yes, 15 mos of ttc, but it is our 12th cycle ttc. So does that mean it has just been 1 yr of trying now??

Please continue to pray with us that we are able to create our miracle soon.

Thank you!

Feelings

As the cycles pass by without any news. The loss we've had keeps coming back to me. I miss what was and what was going to be.
I read something today (and put it into my own words), I know I didn't loose a "baby", but a dream of the future. This sums up the way I feel about it...exactly. That bfp was our dream come true and was going to be our future. Suddenly that changed and "why"?? is all I can keep asking. I know there are no answers besides this child was not meant to be.

As time goes on I find that the hurt and emotions run strong. When it happened I could deal with it, it hurt really bad physically at the time as well as emotionally, but I wanted to push on and start Clomid again and prayed with every ounce of who I am for a miracle to happen again. I am now on my 4th round of Clomid and trying desperately to keep believing. Though at times I want to just give up.

I never would have thought that this would still hurt so much...it actually feels more true with time, like it has sunk in...that it is over, but I want it back...and I can't.

Our dream of a 2008 baby is over. We are onto praying for 2009 now. Lord hear our prayers!

One very hard thing now is the clothing I had bought when I was expecting. I actually walked into a consignment store and bought seasonal outfits for the child I thought we'd have...the one that was going to be our future.
I have bought lots of outfits in the past...all waiting for the day they can be used. Unisex yellows and greens, basic usable things, but the seasonal stuff I bought bothers me so. I picked out my first Halloween stuff, Thanksgiving outfits and a bunch of Christmas stuff...even a little Santa suit with a hat and red and white boots. This stuff won't be used now and seeing it eats away at me. I also put away all my maternity stuff that I was so excited about.
As the months and cycles wear on...the pain of what we lost only seems to get stronger. I hope and pray that we are able to experience a sticky baby miracle in the near future and although we'll never forget our experience of our little peanut, we may be able to move on.

I have to admit I am getting scared that Clomid may not help us again. I can't imagine why it wouldn't...maybe DH...hopefully not.

Please continue to pray with us!

Thank you!!