)
Geesh! So much for Clomid. I feel like I just threw it out the window this cycle instead of actually taking it. I really felt O strongly around cd 48 and got what looked like peaks on my monitor test sticks. I also tried a saliva microscope too and actually saw ferning on cd 48 and partial ferning on cd 47 so...any hope on an old egg. Probably not. Strangely too, my temp isn't really rising either. I know for sure I did O though. And we BD as should.
I was feeling so broken not Oing for 48 days, geepers! Now I am praying that was a fluke. I will be trying soy this next cycle.
I have really been thinking about adoption recently, specifically domestic adoption and have obtained lots of info from local adoption agencies and boy even that is discouraging. $35,000 to over $40,000 to adopt and a few state you need to be married at least 24 mos before submitting an app. or that you attend church regularly and that you get a written letter from the church stating that or taht you are in good physical condition with an average life expectancy (I get this, but am worried about what they'll think of me having diabetes). Also on the PE form it asks for BMI, okay, why do they need that? Another agency states that you have to be medically infertile. I just am amazed that there are so many stipulations.
I have this feeling I will be onto IUI and/or injects at an infertility clinic in the near future, but if IVF is needed I can't do it because my BMI is higher then they recommend it being.
I just feel like it is all stacked up against me...what is it that I can do?...nothing. I feel lost and helpless.
I just keep praying each and every day that we create a miracle!
God Bless us !
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
CD 25 and no O in sight
My FM has been reading all lows still. It feels like I just threw the Clomid out the window...guess it isn't working for me anymore :O(
I am trying to not think about it and just be and go on.
Trying to stay positive that something will work and some day we'll gt what we've been working so hard for.
BTW: Josh's new job did not work out. He has one week left and he's done...his boss was an ass to him and tried to push him out. So he's looking yet again.
I pray with all my heart that he finds a good job, one he loves and they want to hold on to him. He is such a hard worker, so dedicated, ambitious and willing...I don't get it. I feel so sad for him.
Please GOD bless us with a steady/ good job for Josh and a miracle for both of us.
All our Love!
I am trying to not think about it and just be and go on.
Trying to stay positive that something will work and some day we'll gt what we've been working so hard for.
BTW: Josh's new job did not work out. He has one week left and he's done...his boss was an ass to him and tried to push him out. So he's looking yet again.
I pray with all my heart that he finds a good job, one he loves and they want to hold on to him. He is such a hard worker, so dedicated, ambitious and willing...I don't get it. I feel so sad for him.
Please GOD bless us with a steady/ good job for Josh and a miracle for both of us.
All our Love!
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Clomid cycle 4 update
On cd 15 and monitor is reading low...dark, dark R line (means low estrogen), my temp has been getting lower too and I am not feeling much if any achiness in my ovary area. I don't get it...I do not understand my body at all and it is so very frustrating. I have been researching soy isoflavones and how they compare to Clomid. I only have 2 refills left on Clomid and seeing how it seems to be do less and less for me I am thinking of taking a break next cycle and doing soy isoflavones instead...some claim that they work like Clomid. You take approx. 150, 160 or 200 mg each day either cd 1-5, 2-6, 3-7 or 5-9 (no flaxseed with it). The earlier you take it the earlier it is supposed to help you O. I am thinking I'll start it right around cd 1 or 2 and see what happens.
Funny thing is today I had just remembered that months back, December time frame. I was drinking lots of soy milk and strangely that is the month that we got our one and only bfp...coincidence?? I stopped drinking the soy milk...no particular reason, but I am going to start again. It has 33 mg of soy isoflavones in 8 oz. Maybe it'll help...it can't hurt to try it.
I have been taking so many supplements this cycle...I am getting sick of it. I take my usual 5 or so vitamins/supps. and also have been taking 2 green tea extract BID, 1 red rasp. leaf BID, 1 EPO (Evening Primrose Oil) BID, 1 Mucinex BID, drinking lots of iced green tea (to the point of having to pee like crazy) and also been trying to snack on baby carrots.
I will update when/if I O this cycle. I am not holding out much hope. I am at least excited to try the soy next cycle and will pray that helps me O. I guess I just have been feeling so discouraged because it seems the Clomid is not helping me like it did that first and second cycle and I had so much hope and faith that it would work for us and seeing as it/my body isn't cooperating...I haven't had much hope to hold on to. I am fearing we will need to go the infertility route...praying that is not the case.
I just figured it out the other day (if my calculations are accurate)that this is yes, 15 mos of ttc, but it is our 12th cycle ttc. So does that mean it has just been 1 yr of trying now??
Please continue to pray with us that we are able to create our miracle soon.
Thank you!
Funny thing is today I had just remembered that months back, December time frame. I was drinking lots of soy milk and strangely that is the month that we got our one and only bfp...coincidence?? I stopped drinking the soy milk...no particular reason, but I am going to start again. It has 33 mg of soy isoflavones in 8 oz. Maybe it'll help...it can't hurt to try it.
I have been taking so many supplements this cycle...I am getting sick of it. I take my usual 5 or so vitamins/supps. and also have been taking 2 green tea extract BID, 1 red rasp. leaf BID, 1 EPO (Evening Primrose Oil) BID, 1 Mucinex BID, drinking lots of iced green tea (to the point of having to pee like crazy) and also been trying to snack on baby carrots.
I will update when/if I O this cycle. I am not holding out much hope. I am at least excited to try the soy next cycle and will pray that helps me O. I guess I just have been feeling so discouraged because it seems the Clomid is not helping me like it did that first and second cycle and I had so much hope and faith that it would work for us and seeing as it/my body isn't cooperating...I haven't had much hope to hold on to. I am fearing we will need to go the infertility route...praying that is not the case.
I just figured it out the other day (if my calculations are accurate)that this is yes, 15 mos of ttc, but it is our 12th cycle ttc. So does that mean it has just been 1 yr of trying now??
Please continue to pray with us that we are able to create our miracle soon.
Thank you!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Feelings
As the cycles pass by without any news. The loss we've had keeps coming back to me. I miss what was and what was going to be.
I read something today (and put it into my own words), I know I didn't loose a "baby", but a dream of the future. This sums up the way I feel about it...exactly. That bfp was our dream come true and was going to be our future. Suddenly that changed and "why"?? is all I can keep asking. I know there are no answers besides this child was not meant to be.
As time goes on I find that the hurt and emotions run strong. When it happened I could deal with it, it hurt really bad physically at the time as well as emotionally, but I wanted to push on and start Clomid again and prayed with every ounce of who I am for a miracle to happen again. I am now on my 4th round of Clomid and trying desperately to keep believing. Though at times I want to just give up.
I never would have thought that this would still hurt so much...it actually feels more true with time, like it has sunk in...that it is over, but I want it back...and I can't.
Our dream of a 2008 baby is over. We are onto praying for 2009 now. Lord hear our prayers!
One very hard thing now is the clothing I had bought when I was expecting. I actually walked into a consignment store and bought seasonal outfits for the child I thought we'd have...the one that was going to be our future.
I have bought lots of outfits in the past...all waiting for the day they can be used. Unisex yellows and greens, basic usable things, but the seasonal stuff I bought bothers me so. I picked out my first Halloween stuff, Thanksgiving outfits and a bunch of Christmas stuff...even a little Santa suit with a hat and red and white boots. This stuff won't be used now and seeing it eats away at me. I also put away all my maternity stuff that I was so excited about.
As the months and cycles wear on...the pain of what we lost only seems to get stronger. I hope and pray that we are able to experience a sticky baby miracle in the near future and although we'll never forget our experience of our little peanut, we may be able to move on.
I have to admit I am getting scared that Clomid may not help us again. I can't imagine why it wouldn't...maybe DH...hopefully not.
Please continue to pray with us!
Thank you!!
I read something today (and put it into my own words), I know I didn't loose a "baby", but a dream of the future. This sums up the way I feel about it...exactly. That bfp was our dream come true and was going to be our future. Suddenly that changed and "why"?? is all I can keep asking. I know there are no answers besides this child was not meant to be.
As time goes on I find that the hurt and emotions run strong. When it happened I could deal with it, it hurt really bad physically at the time as well as emotionally, but I wanted to push on and start Clomid again and prayed with every ounce of who I am for a miracle to happen again. I am now on my 4th round of Clomid and trying desperately to keep believing. Though at times I want to just give up.
I never would have thought that this would still hurt so much...it actually feels more true with time, like it has sunk in...that it is over, but I want it back...and I can't.
Our dream of a 2008 baby is over. We are onto praying for 2009 now. Lord hear our prayers!
One very hard thing now is the clothing I had bought when I was expecting. I actually walked into a consignment store and bought seasonal outfits for the child I thought we'd have...the one that was going to be our future.
I have bought lots of outfits in the past...all waiting for the day they can be used. Unisex yellows and greens, basic usable things, but the seasonal stuff I bought bothers me so. I picked out my first Halloween stuff, Thanksgiving outfits and a bunch of Christmas stuff...even a little Santa suit with a hat and red and white boots. This stuff won't be used now and seeing it eats away at me. I also put away all my maternity stuff that I was so excited about.
As the months and cycles wear on...the pain of what we lost only seems to get stronger. I hope and pray that we are able to experience a sticky baby miracle in the near future and although we'll never forget our experience of our little peanut, we may be able to move on.
I have to admit I am getting scared that Clomid may not help us again. I can't imagine why it wouldn't...maybe DH...hopefully not.
Please continue to pray with us!
Thank you!!
Friday, April 25, 2008
On to 4th round of Clomid
So I had another short 9 day long LP (Dr not concerned about it, she says if you got pg it would be longer and that my prog. has been great so keep trying).
I started taking my 4th round of Clomid this am. I was thinking of switching it up a bit and take it cd 3-7, but I didn't get it from the pharmacy till yest. afternoon and I have been taking it in the am w/out s/e so I want to cont. to do that. So I moved it up from cd 5-9 to cd 4-8. My Dr said she only likes to do 6 cycled of Clomid and said I can do a few more. I told her DH recently started a new job and we'll be getting new ins. in about 90 days so hopefully that will cover some fertility stuff unlike our current ins. She reminded me that DH needs a s/a done and I could do an HSG (these two things are always in the back of my mind). She only goes as far as Clomid so for injects. and other treatments I will need to go to an infertility clinic. She did remind me not to get discouraged because even though I am taking Clomid it is still a 1 in 5 chance of getting pg each cycle. Oh, I am really praying that we have luck on the Clomid. I really don't want to go to an infertility clinic...I know no woman does, but I just never thought it would go this far or be this challenging.
Please help us GOD!
I started taking my 4th round of Clomid this am. I was thinking of switching it up a bit and take it cd 3-7, but I didn't get it from the pharmacy till yest. afternoon and I have been taking it in the am w/out s/e so I want to cont. to do that. So I moved it up from cd 5-9 to cd 4-8. My Dr said she only likes to do 6 cycled of Clomid and said I can do a few more. I told her DH recently started a new job and we'll be getting new ins. in about 90 days so hopefully that will cover some fertility stuff unlike our current ins. She reminded me that DH needs a s/a done and I could do an HSG (these two things are always in the back of my mind). She only goes as far as Clomid so for injects. and other treatments I will need to go to an infertility clinic. She did remind me not to get discouraged because even though I am taking Clomid it is still a 1 in 5 chance of getting pg each cycle. Oh, I am really praying that we have luck on the Clomid. I really don't want to go to an infertility clinic...I know no woman does, but I just never thought it would go this far or be this challenging.
Please help us GOD!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Different
Everything will be forever different...a positive hpt, although exciting will bring fear and worry, the announcement of it will be cautious and worrisome...forever I will feel different feelings, not able to get excited and jump up and down like so many women do. I will just stare in disbelief like the first time and then I was actually innocent about it. Now I know what can happen and will be so fearful.
I feel all that joy will be forever taken away. I pray I am wrong and when the time comes I can be joyous, happy and believe...that maybe, just maybe this one will be the one.
The sadness inside me right now is strong. I feel so broken, like my heart has been torn out. After our m/c the hope of another pregnancy kept me going, then an annovulatory cycle, just wished it passed so we could start another Clomid cycle. Then Clomid #2 turned out negative and with a short 10 long LP...what the heck. I put so much heart and faith into this cycle being the one. Then onto Clomid #3 and again, put in heart and soul, late O probably due to fever/flu I had, lots of bd and I mean lots even while sick, cause I was afraid we'd miss out on the day if we skipped one and I wanted FF to show me that we bd all that week = a high reading just like our Dec cycle. Now 9 dpo in Clomid cycle #3, my temps nose dived this am and here I am discouraged and sad yet again, preparing myself for another dip tom. and AF arrival. I caved today and took a HPT = BFN of course (though on an IC I keep thinking, I see something...come on Jill...give up already).
Speaking of giving up...I feel I need to. Maybe not entirely, but mostly. I am so tired of living my life by cycles and in 2 week incriments always waiting for O or AF or a BFP or for AF to be over, ya know?
I don't know just how I am going to let go, or in which way, but I know I need to do something different. I can't keep focusing on something I really have no control over. It will happen or it won't.
I am really feeling the empitness and sadness of our m/c. The feeling of what could have been. I have a feeling I will be starting my 4th Clomid cycle soon and that is my last refill. I am not sure what will be next. I was so sure Clomid would do it for us, esp. after our first round. Maybe we need to stick with it, maybe we need to move on to injectables. I just don't know.
I pray GOD helps me figure out the answers here of what I need to do. Please GOD help me through this. I am really struggling and need your help. I know you are there for me, but I just need an extra boost of support and help.
I want to create our miracle so bad and can't help but wonder, was that our only chance and it is now gone.
TTC just feels so different now with a feeling of struggling, sadness, fear, worry and loneliness/emptiness.
Lord I pray to you...please hear my prayer.
I feel all that joy will be forever taken away. I pray I am wrong and when the time comes I can be joyous, happy and believe...that maybe, just maybe this one will be the one.
The sadness inside me right now is strong. I feel so broken, like my heart has been torn out. After our m/c the hope of another pregnancy kept me going, then an annovulatory cycle, just wished it passed so we could start another Clomid cycle. Then Clomid #2 turned out negative and with a short 10 long LP...what the heck. I put so much heart and faith into this cycle being the one. Then onto Clomid #3 and again, put in heart and soul, late O probably due to fever/flu I had, lots of bd and I mean lots even while sick, cause I was afraid we'd miss out on the day if we skipped one and I wanted FF to show me that we bd all that week = a high reading just like our Dec cycle. Now 9 dpo in Clomid cycle #3, my temps nose dived this am and here I am discouraged and sad yet again, preparing myself for another dip tom. and AF arrival. I caved today and took a HPT = BFN of course (though on an IC I keep thinking, I see something...come on Jill...give up already).
Speaking of giving up...I feel I need to. Maybe not entirely, but mostly. I am so tired of living my life by cycles and in 2 week incriments always waiting for O or AF or a BFP or for AF to be over, ya know?
I don't know just how I am going to let go, or in which way, but I know I need to do something different. I can't keep focusing on something I really have no control over. It will happen or it won't.
I am really feeling the empitness and sadness of our m/c. The feeling of what could have been. I have a feeling I will be starting my 4th Clomid cycle soon and that is my last refill. I am not sure what will be next. I was so sure Clomid would do it for us, esp. after our first round. Maybe we need to stick with it, maybe we need to move on to injectables. I just don't know.
I pray GOD helps me figure out the answers here of what I need to do. Please GOD help me through this. I am really struggling and need your help. I know you are there for me, but I just need an extra boost of support and help.
I want to create our miracle so bad and can't help but wonder, was that our only chance and it is now gone.
TTC just feels so different now with a feeling of struggling, sadness, fear, worry and loneliness/emptiness.
Lord I pray to you...please hear my prayer.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Finally O on cd 22 and 23
I guess the flu/fever I had the week of the 1st really pushed out my O date. I finally got peaks on my FM this past weekend. Of course not knowing when I was going to O we have been BD straight through from cd 10 till today at cd 24 (got to get tonight in for good measure and maybe even tom.) and actually we even started before that too...okay, time for a break, LOL!
I was hoping to be able to test by Josh's b-day on the 20th, but I guess due to O so much later that will be too early now. Oh well, what will be will be, right?
I am feeling quite crampy (some sharp this am at the market)with lots of cm today (wet/ew). Just need to get some more temps into FF for it to confirm my O day.
We are praying real hard...still! Wish us luck :O)
BTW Josh started a FT job today as a service tech for pool/ spa pumps, etc... I pray that too all works out for him and us.
God Bless!!
I was hoping to be able to test by Josh's b-day on the 20th, but I guess due to O so much later that will be too early now. Oh well, what will be will be, right?
I am feeling quite crampy (some sharp this am at the market)with lots of cm today (wet/ew). Just need to get some more temps into FF for it to confirm my O day.
We are praying real hard...still! Wish us luck :O)
BTW Josh started a FT job today as a service tech for pool/ spa pumps, etc... I pray that too all works out for him and us.
God Bless!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
