It clicked last night

Josh and I hosted Thanksgiving at our home this year. Mom, Dad, Grammy, Cindy, Fred and Phil came. We had a great dinner and day. Josh did the turkey...it was mmmmmm good :O) Everything was delicious! It was our first time using our China set we got for our wedding from Josh's parents. We were very excited to get to use it finally.
Grammy slept over and Josh and I put together our artificial Christmas tree yest. morning (we are putting it up really early this year as we just don't know how the month of Dec. will play out. I am getting all our Christmas stuff done ASAP and even wrote out all the cards on Wed. the day before Thanksgiving).

Well, last night after the tree was all lit up pretty and everyone (Mom, Dad and Grammy) left...they came down so Dad could cut a tree with Josh who ended up being called in to work(he's on call)and they also picked up Grammy to bring her home). Josh was still on the job and I sat alone in the living room with God's Arms CD playing (that Mom and Dad gave to us as a gift yest. morning when they got here) and just stared at the tree and it hit me, it finally clicked. As of right now, we are adopting this baby. I sat and thought about J's life and how even if she decided she wants to keep this baby, there is really no way she could. They can not afford to and live too. All the baby's hospital bills and baby expenses will be her responsibility. I so feel very sad for J that she is struggling in life and I want to see her make it better for herself. We'll never be able to thank her enough for this gift she'll be giving to us.

I have been so full of worry...what if this doesn't happen or she changes her mind??

Well, Josh believes it is going to happen and I want to believe along with him too!

We will still remain cautious and a little guarded, but we are so happy and we need to be able to live that feeling and express it...we deserve too.
I think that it is just so hard for me because this is something I have wanted for so long, much longer then the 2 years we have been ttc. And I just feel like all our hopes and dreams of this adoption are floating around in this balloon or this bubble and I am just waiting for someone to come by with a pin and pop it. I feel like it is too good to be true.

So, I will from now on promise myself I will believe...I will allow myself to believe it is going to happen and to feel the joyful feeling (like the day we found out we had been chosen) and push away the fear that has since replaced that initial joy.

Josh and I have been selected by a birth mother who is due around Christmas. We will fly out when ready and pray all goes well and we will be given the most blessed gift of all...a baby. We will love this baby and cherish he/she always as well as J for her strength and courage.

God Bless!